The least moistest gun.

FADE IN:

INT. HOTEL ROOM SHOWER - MORNING

Through the steamy air, a young lady is showering, partially covered in suds. As she scrubs, a dark shadow appears on the other side of the shower curtain. Suddenly, the curtain is yanked aside, revealing a deranged hotel manager, dressed in women's clothing, wielding a large kitchen knife. The knife thrusts at the showering woman with familiar (cliche) "stabbing" music. Camera angle moves to drain, where the water is mixed with an increasing swirl of blood.

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of being defenseless in your own or hotel shower?

JANET LEIGH: Boy, am I ever!

ANNOUNCER: Want to keep that sidearm with you at all times, but worried about water and soap scum ruining the nice clean finish on your gun or interrupting its ability to fire? Concerned that holding a pistol while scrubbing your hair may be inconvenient? That's why you need the new Shower Holster™ from AlyredCo™! We all know that the counter is too far away when you really need your weapon, so we've designed a holster that will keep your sidearm dry yet easily accessible. Exclusive "Fold Flap" (pat. pend.) technology keeps water out while precision-crafted suction cups allow you to optimally position your holster for fast draw times, and keeps it where you put it! No more fumbling for personal defense while being stabbed by a random stranger!

CUT TO:

Scene shows arm sticking out of the shower, fumbling for weapon while person is apparently being stabbed, only to come up with a tube of toothpaste that is squeezed to "dramatic" effect, squirting toothpaste out and over slowly lowering hand.

ANNOUNCER: No more being caught unawares by intruding family members!

CUT TO:

Young boy quietly snickering while sneaking into the bathroom, reaching to flush toilet. Warning shots are fired from within the shower into the ceiling, and boy looks scared, running out quickly.

ANNOUNCER: Destroy those pesky would-be shower stabbers!

CUT TO:

Earliest scene is repeated, with showering woman. Shower curtain is yanked aside, to reveal woman holding an M-16, which blows the attacker away in a spray of bullets, along with most of the sink, toilet, mirror and wall behind it.

ANNOUNCER: The AlyredCo™ Shower Holster™!  Now in 3 sizes: Pistol, Shotgun, and Assault Rifle. Ask about our new "Shower Sheath™" as well, for those that prefer to get more up-close and personal! AlyredCo™! Keeping your piece dry while your other pieces are wet!

Leveling Services.

Are you tired of being tired, but don't want to do all the hard work it takes to get in shape? Rather spend your leisure time slaying internet dragons and getting more purple pixels? Need more time to play between work and sleep? Household chores being a total TKer in your FPS?

Introducing new Body Leveling Services, from your friends at AlyredCo™! That's right, we've developed a way to transfer your consciousness into one of our FunDrones™ with your choice of current electronic gaming platforms while one of our advanced BodyShapers™ does the workouts for you! No more sweat in your eyes while you're trying to take on that dumb thirteen year old kid from Akron, Ohio in Back to Karkand! Slay Deathwing in complete simulated comfort while your personal BodyShaper™ does squat thrusts! Even questing and exploring Mists of Pandaria is a breeze while your hunger, thirst, sleep and other biological functions are handily taken care of by your BodyShaper™ while bringing your body's form to the very pinnacle of peak physical perfection*.

We have four pricing tiers to fit your budget!
Rodent: Entry tier. 8 month minimum contract. Free(restrictions* apply)!
Pawn: Middle tier, for the sedentary-getter, 6 month minimum contract ($59.99/mo).
Phantom: 4 month minimum contract. You will gain a particular set of..."skills" ($599.99/mo).
DeLorean: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

In addition, you have the personal guarantee of AlyredCo™ that after your contracted time expires, your body may be returned to you in peak condition, healed and ready to go out and party! Attract that mate you've always wanted! Walk up more than a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat! Dangle from a harness while suspended over priceless artifacts, so as not to set off the floor sensors! Drill into bank vaults to claim the riches within! This physical prowess and more are yours for the taking!

AlyredCo™! Destroying the competition, one American Dream at a time!

Gaming software and gym memberships purchased separately. Results not typical. Criminal record may be applied. Body not likely intact before rodent contract expires due to use in some sort of Zapp Brannigan-style killbot-stopping scheme, or simply destroyed for AlyredCo™ Chief Executives' entertainment. Pawn contract involves indentured servitude for final two months as a minion of AlyredCo™. Phantom contract skills are only learned in muscle-memory, but include: jewel thievery, demolitions, escape artist, assassination, and sous chef. DeLorean plan does not involve time travel. All plans except Rodent require surgical alteration. BodyShapers™ are dog-brains controlled by a massive supercomputer; personal interaction with BodyShaper™-controlled bodies not recommended, nor fruitful as BodyShapers™ show have no emotions. 

Inadvised Advertise.

So I've had these for a little while now, figured that since today I felt lazy, I could use them to fulfill my self-imposed requirement to write.

Hey everyone!  Who's up for a Clubb Massage??

Call Bill E. now to reserve your time!

While we're on the subject...

OF COURSE it's "real beef"...

...except that 12% mysterious "signature recipe". Which, incidentally, might actually be a finely-chopped, signed paper recipe¹.

1. Yes, the photo quality is terrible. I took it while going through the drive through².
2. You might be asking yourself, "Self? Why was he going through the drive through?" Your self would answer "I don't know, sheesh! Now concentrate on driving before OH SHIT LOOK OUT!" Of course, your sad, distracted mind couldn't know that I was there to make a delivery. I mean, what else am I going to DO with all that failed genetic experimentation³? Taco Bell takes it all and doesn't ask questions. Just the way I like it.
3. The genetic experimentation is on Lettuce. Sometimes tomatoes. Nothing that would constitute the 88% "premium⁴ ground beef".
4. "Premium Ground Beef" takes on a much darker tone when you realize it was probably first said in the Taco Bell context as "Preemie... uhm... 'ground beef'."⁵
5. Inappropriate quotation marks for the win!

The Late, Late show!

Well, it's still Friday here here at the secret bunker, and that's all that really matters. I've got a feeling this post won't get read by many until at least Saturday morning.

But since I've got your attention, I'd like to introduce a new AlyredCorp® product, the iWeight iPhone app! It's been scientifically proven¹ that heavy electronics use can result in weight loss; now, combine your love of the mini-apps with the convenience of being able to weigh yourself anywhere!

Works on both iPads and iPhones (Sorry, Android users! You're too elitist² for this app!). The cutting-edge graphics of the virtual scale can be skinned to your heart's content, allowing you to customize the readouts from a standard dial scale to a sharp, stylish digital glass with multiple colors.

Using the iWeight app is easy! First, program in the standard weight of your clothing, if you wish. Helpful suggestions are given for an array of clothing styles and types to give a good estimate, if you don't have an exact number. Then, place the iPhone or iPad face down on the ground, then step on the back... the super-accurate accelerometers in the device will take a few seconds at the longest, and then you'll hear a quick chime³ that means the device has affixed your weight on the screen. You and your friends will have hours of fun guessing each other's weight! Ever wonder what that large safe in your parents' basement weighs? Now you have an app that will tell you! Goes great with peanut butter sandwiches⁴ and Angry Birds⁵! It's got an Apple logo! Get yours in the app store today for only $3.99⁶! Another great product... by AlyredCorp®. AlyredCorp®: turning your money today into my money tonight™ since 1975!

Jingle
If you need to quickly find out your weight,
don't be grouchy, and try not to hate!
Your thirst for knowledge, you can slake,
Download the iWeight app, before it's too late!

1. Not actually scientifically proven.
2. Smart, whatever. Silence!
3. It sounds like the tinkling of cracking glass, with a bit of crunching electronics. Trademark!
4. Because let's face it, what doesn't?
5. The game, not the ornithological variety.
6. AlyredCorp®is not responsible for any incidental damage, intentional or otherwise, that will almost certainly result from using AlyredCorp apps. All rights reserved. Not for use in the bathroom, family room, dining room, kitchen, garage, or outside. iWeight app self-destruct may be aborted by entering the square root of 74 of your phone's keypad. Not for children under the age of three. You must be at least 50kg to use iWeight. iWeight is illegal to download in the US, Canada, European Union member-countries and Albania. No refunds. iWeight may not be returned for store credit. iWeight is not recommended for extinguishing fires. All rights reserved. Quantities may be limited. No shirt, no pants, no service. No purchase necessary to not win. Do not use iWeight at the same time as you are taking allergy, heart, or anxiety medications as extreme side effects could occur, including but not limited to uncontrolled vomiting, dizziness, multiple personality disorder, shingles, acid reflux disease, explosive gas buildup, death, purification, undeath, stalking the earth as a sparkling vampire, and embarrassment and shame of being a sparkling vampire. Talk to your doctor. Tech support is currently unavailable for any AlyredCorp® app. Should your iWeight app cause your iPhone or iPad to begin hissing at you. set it in a cage with a small, live rodent; it will be ready for use in 5-10 minutes. iWeight is for humans, large potted plants, and dolphins only (sorry, household pets!). Do not feed iWeight-enabled devices after 11:36 PM. Do not look back when fleeing ticking iWeight-enabled device or transformation into a pillar of sodium chloride and/or plagues of locusts will occur; iWeight is a vengeful God and is likely to go Old Testament on your posterior. Do not concentrate and inhale, powder, inject, or lick any fumes, vapors or other substances seeping from iWeight-enabled devices. Use at your own risk.