"Creation Museum" to build, launch Mars probe.

Sept. 4th, 2010 - Petersburg, KY: A spokesman for the AiG-funded Creation Museum held a press conference today, where they announced the funding for a new Mars probe to prove that knowledge gained from strictly biblical sources is just as valid as that gained from the scientific method of observation.

"The liberal media has continually lambasted Creationism as being false or without merit, but the faithful will prevail in this battle of what is unholy and what is right by the word of The Lord God almighty." said Answers in Genesis founder Ken Ham, while raising his hand at his side, index finger extended to the sky above. "While we can't take shortcuts like the heretics at NASA with their use of computers and the Devil's math [editor's note: Calculus], we've got a dedicated team working hard to bring any biblical answers to light on how to construct, launch, land, and direct a lander on the surface of Mars."

When questioned on the method of control that will be employed, Ham answered that the current favored idea is "really long strings that The Lord will stretch in the middle."

"Currently," Ham said, "our method of launch is a large Trebuchet, as described in the bible in the taking of the city of Syracuse in 212 B.C. Though that trebuchet, in fact, didn't throw stones, later ones did and we're calling that a gimme. Currently our record is nearly four furlongs, though we were able to reach five when the load was lightened to six drams. If we decide to attempt a manned mission that should be acceptable, as The Lord will provide all in times of need to those that are worthy, including food, water and oxygen. We just need to ensure that our Heavenaut is pious enough."

In the event of a manned mission, cans will be attached to each end of the string for communication, Ham explained. The mission planning stages also suffered a setback last week when the chief abacus operator, Abraham Jebediah Dunlop, was discovered working through the night and into the Sabbath, requiring the AiG organization to stone him to death.

Ham continued, "It was a real nice, old-fashioned stoning party. We had a Barbecue and everything set up before the big event, and even a marriage proposal right at the first throw. Unfortunately, old Abraham was the only one of us that knew advanced gravity theory, from the time it was still taught in schools over the more biblically-accurate 'intelligent falling' theory, so that's been a big loss because it had a lot of clues to how to interpret the biblical passages. But the Bible holds sway, and the word of God is incontestable."

Expected to join the team soon to replace Dunlop is noted Oxford Dr. Matthias Rinley. "Dr. Rinley doesn't have one of  those liberal elite 'mathematics' backgrounds, but he does have a doctorate in zoology from Oxford in sexual selection in pheasants, and he knows that climate change science is overblown bunk, and that's good enough for us," said Ham. "We've got faith that The Lord will provide the proper numbers in the proper, biblical way -- and that doesn't require your blasphemous 'calculations' at all."

At time of publication, capped tubes filled with 10,000 match heads were being wheeled by mules onto the launch platform for testing.

Hurricane Isaac Disappointed at Being Turned Away From Convention.

Pensacola, FL, 8/28/2012:
Alyreuters - In an interview today, Hurricane Isaac has stated that he's disappointed about being unable to attend the Republican National Convention being held this week in Tampa Bay, Florida.

"Ever since I became a tropical depression in the warm Atlantic waters, I had one goal: to attend the Republican National Convention so I can always remember the great victory that the Republicans will have this year in the polls. Even though I'll probably peter out and vanish over a large landmass long before the November elections, I'll know that I was there for a part of history." the hurricane said.

When asked of his political leanings, the Hurricane replied: "Well, I wreck economies on a scale measured in GDP; I leave a huge path of destruction in my wake; I indirectly kill the poorest people in society while the richest get sweet government contracts and kickbacks to clean up my mess; and when my eye is directly on you, you know there's going to be more destruction and chaos coming really soon. Of course I'm a Republican! Also, I like strippers and whores."

The Hurricane paused for a moment to wipe out a neighborhood by swelling a river and breaking the levee. "Wow, I don't know why you guys bother with those. They don't work, especially when you've cut all the public safety programs to the bone. You should stop funding that stuff altogether."

"So anyway, I was rather disappointed to find out that I wouldn't be admitted to the Republican convention this year. But I can still be useful: after all, I am a hurricane. I decided to focus my abilities elsewhere; to continue my special brand of tried-and-true "trickle-down" on the poor and middle-class and hit New Orleans, perhaps try some of that spicy Cajun seafood, or catch some sun further along the coast in Texas before turning northward to bring more Republican values to the heartland."

Rushing to conclusions.

Tampa Bay, FL, 8/27/2012:
Alyreuters - Reports are in that Rush Limbaugh has stated that the current Hurricane threatening the gulf coast is of Obama's doing: "Evidently, this Oh-Bama has been using black magic to summon and control a this... what is it, this hurricane Isaac, to aim directly at the Tampa Bay area to try to interfere with the Republican National Convention, hallowed be thy name. It's simply a shame that the taxpayer has had to foot the bill for the black budget for his black cabal to worship the powerful black spirits responsible for this... weather witchcraft."

Limbaugh went on to say: "Now, I'm not saying he definitely sacrificed unborn fetuses to collect enough blood to power his black rituals, but his record on voting for infanticide speaks for itself. I'm just saying, you decide. I can see him, there in the sub-basement of the white house with his black administration, over a black pentagram or whatever it is, speaking in his African language, or whatever it is... blooba blooba [click] blooba [click] [click]... that's how they sound, you know. Anyway, he and his screwed-up administration like known liar White House press secretary Jim Carney and the covetous Ben Bernanke, the fed chairman, who is probably a child molester... I can't prove that, but he probably is, or was... and Sandra Fluke, all down there in some sort of orgy and chanting to their black Gods, all to just change the weather to block the Republicans, to make any progress forward impossible in the economic recovery of this country. That's the sort of politics your black president plays, folks. Dirty. Evil. Black. He'll do anything to win, including lie, cheat and steal from Medicare. And send a hurricane to ruin the Republican convention. Because he can. Do you really want someone like that in the White House for another four years?"

"It was only by the grace of our good, Christian, God that we were able to turn away the hurricane, just in time to block the worst of its black effects." Limbaugh said. "We had good, lily-white spirit Christians praying around the clock so that their chosen nominees and elected officials would remain safe and dry. I guess they didn't, you know, pray quite hard enough, as our folks still got rained on and had to delay the convention stuff for a day. But they turned away the worst effects to somewhere that nobody cares about, and that's what counts."

Limbaugh then added: "Black. Black blackity black black. Nigger. That's the country he's from. What? It's 'Niger'? Eh.. whatever. They know what I mean."

The sound of a pill bottle opening could be heard shortly afterwards, before commercial break.