Leveling Services.

Are you tired of being tired, but don't want to do all the hard work it takes to get in shape? Rather spend your leisure time slaying internet dragons and getting more purple pixels? Need more time to play between work and sleep? Household chores being a total TKer in your FPS?

Introducing new Body Leveling Services, from your friends at AlyredCo™! That's right, we've developed a way to transfer your consciousness into one of our FunDrones™ with your choice of current electronic gaming platforms while one of our advanced BodyShapers™ does the workouts for you! No more sweat in your eyes while you're trying to take on that dumb thirteen year old kid from Akron, Ohio in Back to Karkand! Slay Deathwing in complete simulated comfort while your personal BodyShaper™ does squat thrusts! Even questing and exploring Mists of Pandaria is a breeze while your hunger, thirst, sleep and other biological functions are handily taken care of by your BodyShaper™ while bringing your body's form to the very pinnacle of peak physical perfection*.

We have four pricing tiers to fit your budget!
Rodent: Entry tier. 8 month minimum contract. Free(restrictions* apply)!
Pawn: Middle tier, for the sedentary-getter, 6 month minimum contract ($59.99/mo).
Phantom: 4 month minimum contract. You will gain a particular set of..."skills" ($599.99/mo).
DeLorean: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

In addition, you have the personal guarantee of AlyredCo™ that after your contracted time expires, your body may be returned to you in peak condition, healed and ready to go out and party! Attract that mate you've always wanted! Walk up more than a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat! Dangle from a harness while suspended over priceless artifacts, so as not to set off the floor sensors! Drill into bank vaults to claim the riches within! This physical prowess and more are yours for the taking!

AlyredCo™! Destroying the competition, one American Dream at a time!

Gaming software and gym memberships purchased separately. Results not typical. Criminal record may be applied. Body not likely intact before rodent contract expires due to use in some sort of Zapp Brannigan-style killbot-stopping scheme, or simply destroyed for AlyredCo™ Chief Executives' entertainment. Pawn contract involves indentured servitude for final two months as a minion of AlyredCo™. Phantom contract skills are only learned in muscle-memory, but include: jewel thievery, demolitions, escape artist, assassination, and sous chef. DeLorean plan does not involve time travel. All plans except Rodent require surgical alteration. BodyShapers™ are dog-brains controlled by a massive supercomputer; personal interaction with BodyShaper™-controlled bodies not recommended, nor fruitful as BodyShapers™ show have no emotions. 

The Sound of Gnomes Screaming

Me: I should record these sounds of gnomes screaming as you roll the fusion ball over them as a ringtone.
Wife: That's terrible.
Me (thinking): The Screaming Gnomes is the name of my ICP cover band.