Heeeeeeeeeere's Johnny!

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Well, it's been nigh on four score and 6 days ago that I've written, and it's been a hell of a pair of fortnights. This day job thing has been keeping me busy, and asking ever more with ever less time and resources. If only I had my time machine functioning! Of course, when I should be tired and go to sleep, my brain Kool-aid mans through the wall of fatigue ("oooooh yeahhhh!") with a whole pitcher of thoughts in one hand and a rubber hose and syringe in the other. I feel wide awake and can't slow my mind down; invigorated until a slow slide towards exhaustion with a sudden crash at about four in the morning. So I program, play a game or three, try to club that baby seal-stream of random thought into submission (or a new pair of boots). So lately, I've been so tired when I normally write that the creative and evil energies are a bit low. Perhaps I'm simply falling victim to the propaganda that is thrust upon me by my situationally-temporary corporate masters. Seems to be a string of wake-up-go-to-work-slam-head-against-desk-to-dull-the-stupid-go-home-eat-numb-brain-on-computer-games-sleep-repeat. So, despicable reader -- it may be a bit before I'm writing witty, humorous, and cutting prose upon this hallowed page with any more regularity. However, use the "subscribe" link to the right there and you'll be amongst the first to know when I do. 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"Creation Museum" to build, launch Mars probe.

Sept. 4th, 2010 - Petersburg, KY: A spokesman for the AiG-funded Creation Museum held a press conference today, where they announced the funding for a new Mars probe to prove that knowledge gained from strictly biblical sources is just as valid as that gained from the scientific method of observation.

"The liberal media has continually lambasted Creationism as being false or without merit, but the faithful will prevail in this battle of what is unholy and what is right by the word of The Lord God almighty." said Answers in Genesis founder Ken Ham, while raising his hand at his side, index finger extended to the sky above. "While we can't take shortcuts like the heretics at NASA with their use of computers and the Devil's math [editor's note: Calculus], we've got a dedicated team working hard to bring any biblical answers to light on how to construct, launch, land, and direct a lander on the surface of Mars."

When questioned on the method of control that will be employed, Ham answered that the current favored idea is "really long strings that The Lord will stretch in the middle."

"Currently," Ham said, "our method of launch is a large Trebuchet, as described in the bible in the taking of the city of Syracuse in 212 B.C. Though that trebuchet, in fact, didn't throw stones, later ones did and we're calling that a gimme. Currently our record is nearly four furlongs, though we were able to reach five when the load was lightened to six drams. If we decide to attempt a manned mission that should be acceptable, as The Lord will provide all in times of need to those that are worthy, including food, water and oxygen. We just need to ensure that our Heavenaut is pious enough."

In the event of a manned mission, cans will be attached to each end of the string for communication, Ham explained. The mission planning stages also suffered a setback last week when the chief abacus operator, Abraham Jebediah Dunlop, was discovered working through the night and into the Sabbath, requiring the AiG organization to stone him to death.

Ham continued, "It was a real nice, old-fashioned stoning party. We had a Barbecue and everything set up before the big event, and even a marriage proposal right at the first throw. Unfortunately, old Abraham was the only one of us that knew advanced gravity theory, from the time it was still taught in schools over the more biblically-accurate 'intelligent falling' theory, so that's been a big loss because it had a lot of clues to how to interpret the biblical passages. But the Bible holds sway, and the word of God is incontestable."

Expected to join the team soon to replace Dunlop is noted Oxford Dr. Matthias Rinley. "Dr. Rinley doesn't have one of  those liberal elite 'mathematics' backgrounds, but he does have a doctorate in zoology from Oxford in sexual selection in pheasants, and he knows that climate change science is overblown bunk, and that's good enough for us," said Ham. "We've got faith that The Lord will provide the proper numbers in the proper, biblical way -- and that doesn't require your blasphemous 'calculations' at all."

At time of publication, capped tubes filled with 10,000 match heads were being wheeled by mules onto the launch platform for testing.

Eastwooding!

So, we've been reduced to this.

Who is the imbecile that let a doddering old man up on stage without a script, carrying a chair that didn't stop him to ask why?

The entire Republican party?

Oh, you guys.

Well, at least the simpletons in the audience, and the ones watching and seeing it after the fact, are easily fooled. Already, similarly Paul "Lyin" Ryan's speech on Tuesday, they spin it into meanings that are at best a stretch, and at worst a colossal circularly-enforced delusion.

"It was all acting!"

"His point was that Obama isn't ever there and is a failure!"

"His hearing aid was turned up so loud that he could actually HEAR someone back stage say, 'Go fuck yourself.'"

"That chair shouldn't be so disrespectful of Mitt and Clint!"

"Eastwood-Chair 2016!"

"President Obama was actually there using government black-helicopter technology!"

And so on...

Eeeeexcellent. Stealing this election might just be easier than we originally thought. I do hope that Obama's fixed it up enough again that there's something in the treasury to steal again, however. These peasants need to be ground a bit more into the dirt.

Lanced!

So now that a bit of time has passed for the imbeciles that think that since Neil Armstrong's dead, he won't have to give back his 7 tour de France medals¹ to focus on some other moronic pop culture thing, there's an interesting thing I thought I'd bring up.

While Neil Armstrong was, himself, a pretty awesome guy, and engineer -- the thing he is most well-known for is that he strapped himself into rockets and trusted the engineers, mechanics, scientists and mathematicians to get him where he was going.

Bravery? Yes.

Skill? Definitely.

But nowhere in the common press do I ever hear about the people who got it all right, who put those men on the moon.

Heaven, most people probably can't even name the other two astronauts in the Apollo 11 capsule without Google or Wikipedia².

People, don't just celebrate your front men. Neil himself had a small ego; it's one of the reasons he was chosen to be the first human to step onto another celestial body. It's all of you together that can do great things, not just a single man. Celebrate your scientists, your engineers, your mechanics, your logistics support. Celebrate science.

Don't cut it away a piece at a time to religious demagoguery. Don't slice it up so that another defense contractor can sell another bomb.

You've got too much riding on this, and your failure to do so... disappoints me.

1. Yes, Really. I'm not joking.
2. Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins, in case you're wondering. Though Collins wasn't in the lander.