Friday, January 25, 2013

The least moistest gun.



Through the steamy air, a young lady is showering, partially covered in suds. As she scrubs, a dark shadow appears on the other side of the shower curtain. Suddenly, the curtain is yanked aside, revealing a deranged hotel manager, dressed in women's clothing, wielding a large kitchen knife. The knife thrusts at the showering woman with familiar (cliche) "stabbing" music. Camera angle moves to drain, where the water is mixed with an increasing swirl of blood.

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of being defenseless in your own or hotel shower?

JANET LEIGH: Boy, am I ever!

ANNOUNCER: Want to keep that sidearm with you at all times, but worried about water and soap scum ruining the nice clean finish on your gun or interrupting its ability to fire? Concerned that holding a pistol while scrubbing your hair may be inconvenient? That's why you need the new Shower Holster™ from AlyredCo™! We all know that the counter is too far away when you really need your weapon, so we've designed a holster that will keep your sidearm dry yet easily accessible. Exclusive "Fold Flap" (pat. pend.) technology keeps water out while precision-crafted suction cups allow you to optimally position your holster for fast draw times, and keeps it where you put it! No more fumbling for personal defense while being stabbed by a random stranger!


Scene shows arm sticking out of the shower, fumbling for weapon while person is apparently being stabbed, only to come up with a tube of toothpaste that is squeezed to "dramatic" effect, squirting toothpaste out and over slowly lowering hand.

ANNOUNCER: No more being caught unawares by intruding family members!


Young boy quietly snickering while sneaking into the bathroom, reaching to flush toilet. Warning shots are fired from within the shower into the ceiling, and boy looks scared, running out quickly.

ANNOUNCER: Destroy those pesky would-be shower stabbers!


Earliest scene is repeated, with showering woman. Shower curtain is yanked aside, to reveal woman holding an M-16, which blows the attacker away in a spray of bullets, along with most of the sink, toilet, mirror and wall behind it.

ANNOUNCER: The AlyredCo™ Shower Holster™!  Now in 3 sizes: Pistol, Shotgun, and Assault Rifle. Ask about our new "Shower Sheath™" as well, for those that prefer to get more up-close and personal! AlyredCo™! Keeping your piece dry while your other pieces are wet!