Thursday, September 12, 2013

Layers sloughed away.

Cerebral Assault (n.): Also known as Intellectual Assault or Rational Assault, Cerebral Assault is a sudden onslaught of words, pictures or ideas so mind-numbing and insipidly stupid that it causes the recipient to feel significantly less intelligent and unable to think clearly for a period of time.

Symptoms of victims of cerebral assault include: inability to spell correctly or form coherent sentences; mindless gibbering; crying; glassy-eyed wandering of the hallways, mumbling in dead languages; shallow breathing; and staring off into space awaiting (and possibly planning how to hasten) the inevitable demise of all humans as the dumbest multiply the fastest, crowding out any light of hope for mankind.

If you, or anyone else you know suffers from Cerebral Assault, call our toll-free hotline immediately. The call is free.

Friday, February 8, 2013

Guns, guns everywhere (but not a drop of think).

So there is a "2nd Amendment rights" rally today in the town I currently call secret lair. Being what I represent, I have no problem with people having as many guns, rocket launchers, tanks, gunships or even fully armed-and-operational battle stations. I also firmly believe that I should be the only one with ammunition, and I am slowly, methodically turning this foundation into reality by carefully gaining corporate control over the manufacture of all gunpowder through shell companies1 and will soon have a back-dated patent on all methods of bending metal to conform to the shape of a bullet casing.

Control the means of production, and you will control the output itself.

At any rate, I fully think that these nitwits should be messed with, and I think I know how: simultaneous sci-fi weapons rights rally2! I shall start putting out word that the tyrannical, imperial state government (headed by Mr. Romulous) is suggesting to remove violent-looking weapons from TV shows and comic book stores as they encourage violence in the streets. We should quickly see robed and/or two-tone jumpsuited mobs of nerds carrying signs depicting such pithy remarks as "Save our Phasers" and "Lightsabers don't kill people, Sith do". Perhaps even graphs and placards will be put up to show how handheld photon torpedoes should continue to be legal in case someone attacks you in a dark alley with a Constellation-class starship!

Aside from the ridiculing of the legitimate, peaceful gun owners3, there should be a great deal of delicious tension building up with the clash between the trek/wars factions. I can only imagine the fun if one of them points something "gun-like" at the original group.

One thing I can assure you of, however... in that scenario, Han wouldn't shoot first.

1. And via a non-profit corporation dedicated to helping disadvantaged children learn to read and write. I named it "Shellco". Its logo is a cute cartoon turtle! hee!
2. Alternatively, I could inform the Westboro Baptist Church that there was a gay dead soldier being celebrated today, and two loudmouthed, overbearing, ill-informed, annoying nuisances take care of each other! I call that win-win.
3. "Peaceful" in that they show up in a throng, brandishing deadly firearms, and loudly demand that the fascist muslim communist nazi marxist can take their guns when he pries them out of their cold, dead fingers by marching in lockstep over the peoples' elected government officials, I mean. Ah, irony.

Friday, January 25, 2013

The least moistest gun.



Through the steamy air, a young lady is showering, partially covered in suds. As she scrubs, a dark shadow appears on the other side of the shower curtain. Suddenly, the curtain is yanked aside, revealing a deranged hotel manager, dressed in women's clothing, wielding a large kitchen knife. The knife thrusts at the showering woman with familiar (cliche) "stabbing" music. Camera angle moves to drain, where the water is mixed with an increasing swirl of blood.

ANNOUNCER: Are you tired of being defenseless in your own or hotel shower?

JANET LEIGH: Boy, am I ever!

ANNOUNCER: Want to keep that sidearm with you at all times, but worried about water and soap scum ruining the nice clean finish on your gun or interrupting its ability to fire? Concerned that holding a pistol while scrubbing your hair may be inconvenient? That's why you need the new Shower Holster™ from AlyredCo™! We all know that the counter is too far away when you really need your weapon, so we've designed a holster that will keep your sidearm dry yet easily accessible. Exclusive "Fold Flap" (pat. pend.) technology keeps water out while precision-crafted suction cups allow you to optimally position your holster for fast draw times, and keeps it where you put it! No more fumbling for personal defense while being stabbed by a random stranger!


Scene shows arm sticking out of the shower, fumbling for weapon while person is apparently being stabbed, only to come up with a tube of toothpaste that is squeezed to "dramatic" effect, squirting toothpaste out and over slowly lowering hand.

ANNOUNCER: No more being caught unawares by intruding family members!


Young boy quietly snickering while sneaking into the bathroom, reaching to flush toilet. Warning shots are fired from within the shower into the ceiling, and boy looks scared, running out quickly.

ANNOUNCER: Destroy those pesky would-be shower stabbers!


Earliest scene is repeated, with showering woman. Shower curtain is yanked aside, to reveal woman holding an M-16, which blows the attacker away in a spray of bullets, along with most of the sink, toilet, mirror and wall behind it.

ANNOUNCER: The AlyredCo™ Shower Holster™!  Now in 3 sizes: Pistol, Shotgun, and Assault Rifle. Ask about our new "Shower Sheath™" as well, for those that prefer to get more up-close and personal! AlyredCo™! Keeping your piece dry while your other pieces are wet!