Friday, June 29, 2012

Inadvised Advertise.

So I've had these for a little while now, figured that since today I felt lazy, I could use them to fulfill my self-imposed requirement to write.

Hey everyone!  Who's up for a Clubb Massage??

Call Bill E. now to reserve your time!

While we're on the subject...

OF COURSE it's "real beef"...

...except that 12% mysterious "signature recipe". Which, incidentally, might actually be a finely-chopped, signed paper recipe1.

1. Yes, the photo quality is terrible. I took it while going through the drive through2.
2. You might be asking yourself, "Self? Why was he going through the drive through?" Your self would answer "I don't know, sheesh! Now concentrate on driving before OH SHIT LOOK OUT!" Of course, your sad, distracted mind couldn't know that I was there to make a delivery. I mean, what else am I going to DO with all that failed genetic experimentation3? Taco Bell takes it all and doesn't ask questions. Just the way I like it.
3. The genetic experimentation is on Lettuce. Sometimes tomatoes. Nothing that would constitute the 88% "premium4 ground beef".
4. "Premium Ground Beef" takes on a much darker tone when you realize it was probably first said in the Taco Bell context as "Preemie... uhm... 'ground beef'."5
5. Inappropriate quotation marks for the win!

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Hell hath no wrath...

So. It's a late post, again... but I also have a good excuse. Not that I need to explain myself to you parasites.

I've been rather... irritated all day at myself.  After having blood siphoned out yesterday, I was rather light-headed. So when I left my menial job for my current lair, I left my cell phone behind.

I noticed immediately after entering my domicile and dealing with the hounds. Knowing there is a mere 15 feet from the door of my work to my vehicle, it was covered in concrete, and nigh-silent that time of the evening, I would have heard and noted any out-of-place sound, particularly one of the cell-phone-falling-to-the-ground variety. So it was very likely that the phone was either still on my desk, or in the restroom on a shelf (where I stopped momentarily on my way out). I resolved to live without my personal electronic device1 for the entire evening and get it tomorrow when I arrived at the salt mines. I called a trusted co-worker that arrived earlier than I did to check if he saw it when he got in in the morning.

It appears Underestimating the foulness of the sad, mostly-fluid sacks of human detritus that inhabit my place of employment after-hours.

My phone was nowhere to be found in the morning, and I checked with the front desk to see if anyone had turned anything in. I sent out a department-wide electronic communique. The janitorial service was called.


The janitorial service was going to "check with their night crew" but never got back to my contact in the happiness-suppression part of my day. However, little do the thieves know... I have tracking software installed on my phone. When I arrived home, my system pinged with 4 hits, near a university's hall, near to my place of unenjoyment. The signal was weak, only getting within a mile of certainty before the battery went out and the phone shut off again.

This effectively eliminates me dropping it in the office.

If it is not returned in the morning, I will be rather... upset. Sadly, I didn't finish my electroshock application2, so direct action is not possible. However, I can track the thief down when the phone is again charged and cause it to emit a loud screeching sound, locating them effectively. Then I can vaporize them with extreme prejudice.

Wish me luck, and pray that my wrath does not make me alter more of the city.

1. It makes phone calls, keeps my schedule straight, and contains the encryption algorithms for the nuclear launch codes. It's fun dialing the system and entering them, and watching from the built-in cameras as cardiac arrests occur from the system control operators. Oh, yes, it also has iWeight installed! From AlyredCorp© - Nanoforging a better tomorrow using raw nature today®.
2. I never got around the power-to-shock-value issue. I could either do a 10 second 5v shock or a .001 millisecond 23,000 volt shock before the battery would die. Yes, even with the extended-use one. The only solution so far was to have a 40 kg battery attached by belt, effectively eliminating the usefulness of a shock-app except for a fun joke to play on friends.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Letters from the dungeon.

(play the above while reading, and thanks for the idea, Daily Blink!)

To my dearest whoever is reading this,

I can only hope this letter arrives to you complete and in good time. Soon, I shall again leave to travel to a pit of misery to have a phlebotomy, where this body's tortured whimpers will plaster the walls thick with despair. I am, however, resolute in my quest. This must be done, for God1 and for Country2.

It's been nearly a month since my last journey to have my mortal form heated, prodded, and stabbed (repeatedly) for its lifeblood. I have already suffered greatly at the hands of these monsters, and God3 willing, I'll survive with only bruises and other minor injuries to make the journey again a minimum of two more times.

Indeed, it is for all the iron in my blood that it must be drawn, to thin it back to normal "human" levels. Sadly, it fights for long, drawn out sessions to remain within me: clotting immediately, shutting off in the vein, squealing and snapping as the disparate alien symbiote it was designed4 to be; fighting for self preservation against the sharp needlepoint invading its oxygen-rich pathways. The back of the hand seems where it is to be the weakest. Must remember to tell the mistress of agony to try there first. Hopefully I shall get the same one as last time, as I do not wish to go through the same dance of a someone new thinking that my veins are like everyone else's, and they are better than those that came before them. Their tears are bitter but delicious to behold, though I am still left with bruises and extra pinholes in my arms.

It was suggested I get a tap, or shunt of some sort installed. I'm quite certain it will be pushed out and rejected by the self-defense systems.

Wish me luck, and should the worst come to pass, I shall see you on the other side. God5 bless you.

1. Me.
2. Also me.
3. Me again.
4. When I originally created this form, it was a cold-weather survival system.
5. Your lord and savior, you all know and love him... nah, me yet again. Hah.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Exporting Stupid

It seems somewhat fitting that while the number of exportable, finished goods that America creates each month diminishes towards only the raw materials ripped from her soil, the one thing that we do seem to have in abundance is finding new markets overseas: stupidity.

It seems that South Korea has decided, despite the acceptance of the Catholic Church that Evolution has a place in theology1, to remove all references of the theory of evolution from their school textbooks. Meanwhile, fundamentalist schools in Louisiana2 are attempting to use a mythical loch monster to disprove evolution. Woe be to societies that bow down to a vocal minority that cannot weigh their arguments with reason, as it makes you ripe for conquest as your science crumbles to a pathetic shadow of what it was before.

I'm enjoying watching the disintegration of America, due to the overwhelming tide of the gibbering echo chamber of faith as it steamrolls over those that critically think, yet are unwilling to fight back. Live and let live, the latter say, while the former attempt to burn3 all that hold scientific method as a way to discern fact from faith. Myself, I take a "fight-fire-with-pyroclastic-flow" methodology, and when I get a fundamentalist knocking at my door I simply release the hounds4,5.

That's not even to say that science must be in opposition to faith, merely that faith shouldn't be held as fact since it cannot be proven with the scientific method; believe what you wish, just don't claim it to be science. This is one of the most insidious tricks of the subject of intelligent design: that it passes as science because it cannot be disproved, and that it must be true because evolution is too complex to happen on its own. It's played off as the middle ground between two extremes. It's a great way to get religion and faith to masquerade as science.

The problem with this thinking is that it is outright incorrect. Science cannot validate faith because of how science works. But the one thing science does well is find what is fact, and what is not. By applying critical thinking and the scientific method, we systematically eliminate what is not factual and we are left with an increasingly pure nugget of truth. Science has brought us antibiotics instead of dying from bad humors, GPS satellites6 based on orbital mechanics instead of a magical flaming chariot that flies across the sky each day, silicon logic gates rather than ... well, abacuses7, I suppose.

Faith, by contrast, tells you to believe in things despite the absence of scientific evidence, a way of personally solving the unknown or unknowable. What it should not do is tell you to believe in things despite scientific evidence itself. For instance, the vast majority of evidence and tested science shows that evolution is a reality. Denying it because your spiritual leader told you to is to cast yourself into the dominion of fools and lunatics, and if you count yourself amongst that number, then shut off the computer or device that you are reading this on, give away all your non-handmade possessions8, and move to a log9 cabin in the woods with a pit for a toilet because everything else you have was created with scientific principles and you don't deserve to have use of it.

Once a testable method is developed for proving or disproving something of faith, it can (and should) be moved into the realm of science for further study. An idea shouldn't wallow in the quagmire of assumption simply because the creator and/or adherents to the idea fear for its validity. Take a lesson from Johannes Kepler, who struggled for many years to make the heavens fit to his model of Platonic solids. Once he discarded that idea, he went on to make incredible contributions to astronomy and physics that we use today, such as the aforementioned orbital mechanics.

Don't worry though, big Religion! It's still quite a long ways off before faith can be tested in the lab. On the other hand, perhaps you're closer than previously thought.

Where might science be today if it weren't for religion, attempting to disprove truth and knowledge as a challenge to its power? Probably not quite as far as it is in my own former laboratories, but perhaps closer. Hmm, where would my own laboratories be if I could didn't have to work around such cries as "unethical", "insane" and "monster"? Alas, poor science... I hardly knew thee.

Well, I've certainly waxed philosophic today. Feel blessed. Good night readers, sleep well, I'll most likely kill you in the morning.

1. As we all know, the Pope is infallible, right, pious religious inflexibles? If he says it, it must be true!
2. Where else? I mean, aside from Texas, Kentucky, Kansas, Missouri, Arkansas, South Carolina, and the Virginias.
3. Quite literally, at times.
4. Formerly, an automated system would have them at "Hello". By have, I mean "atomized" or "pushed into lava".
5. The hounds are also immune to any arguments of reason or logic, no matter the method employed. A taste of their own medicine!
6. ...and orbital weapons platforms. And moon bases.
7. Actually, no, because abacuses are based in math, which is scientifically proven even down to basic addition and subtraction.
8. To me.
9. The logs must have been felled by lightning, landslide, or other "god" process to fit with your reasoning, since axes were created by the scientific method - cleaving angles learned through trial and error -- a process described by the scientific method.

Friday, June 22, 2012

The Late, Late show!

Well, it's still Friday here here at the secret bunker, and that's all that really matters. I've got a feeling this post won't get read by many until at least Saturday morning.

But since I've got your attention, I'd like to introduce a new AlyredCorp® product, the iWeight iPhone app! It's been scientifically proven1 that heavy electronics use can result in weight loss; now, combine your love of the mini-apps with the convenience of being able to weigh yourself anywhere!

Works on both iPads and iPhones (Sorry, Android users! You're too elitist2 for this app!). The cutting-edge graphics of the virtual scale can be skinned to your heart's content, allowing you to customize the readouts from a standard dial scale to a sharp, stylish digital glass with multiple colors.

Using the iWeight app is easy! First, program in the standard weight of your clothing, if you wish. Helpful suggestions are given for an array of clothing styles and types to give a good estimate, if you don't have an exact number. Then, place the iPhone or iPad face down on the ground, then step on the back... the super-accurate accelerometers in the device will take a few seconds at the longest, and then you'll hear a quick chime3 that means the device has affixed your weight on the screen. You and your friends will have hours of fun guessing each other's weight! Ever wonder what that large safe in your parents' basement weighs? Now you have an app that will tell you! Goes great with peanut butter sandwiches4 and Angry Birds5! It's got an Apple logo! Get yours in the app store today for only $3.996! Another great product... by AlyredCorp®. AlyredCorp®: turning your money today into my money tonight™ since 1975!

If you need to quickly find out your weight,
don't be grouchy, and try not to hate!
Your thirst for knowledge, you can slake,
Download the iWeight app, before it's too late!

1. Not actually scientifically proven.
2. Smart, whatever. Silence!
3. It sounds like the tinkling of cracking glass, with a bit of crunching electronics. Trademark!
4. Because let's face it, what doesn't?
5. The game, not the ornithological variety.
6. AlyredCorp®is not responsible for any incidental damage, intentional or otherwise, that will almost certainly result from using AlyredCorp apps. All rights reserved. Not for use in the bathroom, family room, dining room, kitchen, garage, or outside. iWeight app self-destruct may be aborted by entering the square root of 74 of your phone's keypad. Not for children under the age of three. You must be at least 50kg to use iWeight. iWeight is illegal to download in the US, Canada, European Union member-countries and Albania. No refunds. iWeight may not be returned for store credit. iWeight is not recommended for extinguishing fires. All rights reserved. Quantities may be limited. No shirt, no pants, no service. No purchase necessary to not win. Do not use iWeight at the same time as you are taking allergy, heart, or anxiety medications as extreme side effects could occur, including but not limited to uncontrolled vomiting, dizziness, multiple personality disorder, shingles, acid reflux disease, explosive gas buildup, death, purification, undeath, stalking the earth as a sparkling vampire, and embarrassment and shame of being a sparkling vampire. Talk to your doctor. Tech support is currently unavailable for any AlyredCorp® app. Should your iWeight app cause your iPhone or iPad to begin hissing at you. set it in a cage with a small, live rodent; it will be ready for use in 5-10 minutes. iWeight is for humans, large potted plants, and dolphins only (sorry, household pets!). Do not feed iWeight-enabled devices after 11:36 PM. Do not look back when fleeing ticking iWeight-enabled device or transformation into a pillar of sodium chloride and/or plagues of locusts will occur; iWeight is a vengeful God and is likely to go Old Testament on your posterior. Do not concentrate and inhale, powder, inject, or lick any fumes, vapors or other substances seeping from iWeight-enabled devices. Use at your own risk.

Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Plots and Plans...

Bwa-hah-hah-ha... quake in fear, mortals.

From a recent fortune cookie.

What plans, you ask? ALL OF THEM.
...and only four members of the waitstaff had to die before I was brought an agreeable one.

Oak it all in...

Healing is proceeding well from the poison oak mishap. The itching and burning, while still significant, has lessened considerably each day that has passed. I have developed an intimate relationship to Calamine lotion.

Operation: Oakmageddon is on track for a Friday completion. Unfortunately, I am... apparently unable to recall all of the locations that the poison oak was planted. The front grounds showed no sign of additional oak leaf-shaped shrubbery, so it IS possible that the genetic tweaking I performed on it has made it ambulatory1. I napalmed it from orbit2... it was the only way to be sure3. This still leaves the possibility of it being in the other half of the grounds, colloquially known as "the backyard." I wasn't out there, but the patrol hounds might have brushed against it and brought it inside. Time will tell.

At the menial technical cover job, we were notified that we will be moving upstairs soon. Specifically, the first of July. We were allowed to design our new cubicle layout, and the habitrail overhaul is moving along. However, I do not think that my suggestion of a taco bar and mountain springwater tap was taken in the spirit intended4. Yesterday, I noticed the plan had been amended to include "Unicorn Storage". I suspect a jealous co-worker5.
Not shown: secret gold vault, genetic experimentation laboratory, SkyNet access point, shoe shining robot.

1. And carnivorous. Possibly self-aware. It's anyone's guess, really.
2. Actually, the front porch, since my orbital weapons platforms are still offline.
3. ...of catching the groundskeeper currently tending it off guard. The hilarity of watching him run around with Kermit-arms was too much to resist.
4. I believe "or else" is a good description of this spirit.
5. Perhaps one who is a unicorn meat aficionado?

Monday, June 18, 2012

Flight of the Dictator

So I had one of those dreams last night... you know them, the ones where you remember flying? Ah, the freedom. It felt so real. Perhaps it was the way I could again feel the wind whipping by, or the hum of the lightweight power pack feeding the anti-gravity boosters. Perhaps it was the screaming intruder alert sirens or the bullets bouncing off of my densiplast outfit as I made off with the kilogram of weapons-grade plutonium.

Whatever it was that made it so surreal, it's funny the tricks the mortal mind plays when sleeping.

To be truthful, I'm happy to get sleep at all the last few days. Evidently, "poison oak" is not just a scary-sounding name, and one should not plant it deliberately for defensive purposes.1 Sadly, despite my genius, I triggered one of my own traps2, and the allergic reaction I mentioned in a previous posting has turned into a full-blown rash and skin inflammation of epic proportions over a matter of days.

Now normally, when my corporeal form has been compromised, I simply discard it and transfer my consciousness to a new clone or bio-droid (or if I've become attached to that particular one, repair it and put it back in stock). Unfortunately, I no longer have access to the machinery required to do this3, so I'm forced to stay in this form and heal it the "natural" way, despite its flaws.

As you might have guessed, I something to say about this.

AAAAAAAAAUUUUUUGGGGH this itches like hell! It burns! I will destroy every poison oak, oak, or oak by-product I come across4. You will feel my wrath, oaks of the forest. I shall also offer a bounty on all oak-shaped... things. My maniacal laugh will echo through the rough stone of my new fortress as each burns in my vast fireplace.

Enjoy my calamine-aided rest, foul toxicodendron and quercus (etcetera). I shall return, with torches and chainsaws -- and I shall be 'itching' for revenge!

1. Surprisingly, the land mines and punji spike traps are quite effective in preventing the local religious missionaries and travelling house-paint vendors from reaching my door. For some reason, they are not as wary as the ones I am accustomed to.
2. I don't know what's wrong; I have certainly never had that happen to me before. Ever.
3. Thank you SO much, peasantry of my former island nation. Remind me to send a gift basket made of explodium.
4. From a distance.

Friday, June 15, 2012

Mitre makes Right!

If my black, hemoglobin-injected mechanical fluid pump were capable, one of the few things I would love1 would be Religion. Not little-r religion, as in "I'm spiritual" or "Oh no I've said too much." Personal belief, faith, whatever -- knock yourself out. No, I'm talking about big-R Religion, the organizations of masses of humanity that proclaim to be worshiping a particular God (or Gods), but in essence only follow the direction of a localized power structure that often espouses policies antipodal to the teachings of their deity. Indeed, it seems ludicrous that the "lambs" of a congregation or sect fail to consider how truly sheep-like they've become: led by someone more powerful with only the interests of the patriciate in mind, shorn of their valuable wool, and sacrificed at will. Used by their patrons to extract fealty, riches, and ultimately greater power, they reinforce their own cognitive dissonance by accepting that it is not right to question the words of their creator, because the words of the creator were written by men inspired by (whichever) deity and those words of <insert deity here> say to not question them. Since those books are written thus, it must be true and therefore must exist because it cannot be proven that it does not.

In fact, it appears that most Religions are sustained merely by logical fallacy, particularly appeal to authority and burden of proof. Yet, the flock of imbeciles seems unable or unwilling to break from their self-enforced ignorance long enough to realize the wool2 is being pulled over their eyes.

For instance, let's point out the cognitive dissonance of the parishioners of a particular Religion, where murder is a forgivable sin but divorce is an ex-communicable offense. Where adultery is sin but their own priests are shuffled around from parish to parish to cover up their pedophilia. When caught, well, just shovel out some of the treasure and the problem goes away. Hopefully the priest has already shuffled off to his eternal reward in the afterlife.

What about another Religion, where the parishioners believe that their convicted con-artist founder, who discovered some magic stones (twice!) that allowed him to "translate" some golden plates that he allowed nobody else to see, and believe that their savior (and lost Jewish tribe) came to Americadespite mountains of archaeological evidence against it, decry how badly they've been discriminated against -- and then use millions of their hoarded loot to fund a campaign discriminating against a class of individual in your state of California. Also, they believed until 1978 that black folks bore the mark of Cain and banned them from their ministry. But hey, what's a little racism amongst mindless drones?

Let's not even expound upon a Religion conceived by a science fiction writer that believes you're all alien spirits from an alien prison world that arrived here by alien spirit prison ships.

So for such a powerful tool by the leaders of these Religions, you'd think that said leaders would be rather content. That's where you'd be wrong, because if you know anything about evil overlords, you'd know we're never content. No, Religions have made sure that while their followers are fanatical and devoted to allowing themselves to be fleeced by their leaders, that they're also almost always incompatible with other power structures of a Godly nature. In fact, many are so diametrically opposed (while actually espousing similar ideals) that they must constantly be locked in battle4.

This dissonance, of course, plays right into the hands of the godless military industrial complex, which uses the religion-contented state of the sheep to fleece further money through taxes for building weaponry to kill the other people that don't believe in their version of sky cake. Having a phantom bogey-man is always good for the bottom line.

Meanwhile, the masses are told that their government (a competitor with Religion for the wool of the sheep) is taxing them too much, and that they should demand cuts5 in government programs to the disadvantaged6 in society because it's the church's job to care for them out of the goodness of their 501(c)(3) hearts. The military gets a free pass, of course, and to ask those that are in power to pay a bit more7 is Anti-American Socialist Communist Nazi Hippie talk. But don't worry, ye disadvantaged. You'll be rewarded in heaven for living piously and destitute.

Meanwhile, the riches, power and control keep getting concentrated upwards. Excellent.

1. Aside from unlimited power and subterranean vaults full of precious metals.
2. Often wool shorn from their own sheep-like hides in the form of tithes or collections. 
3. Evidently by the steamships common in the days. "Dead Sea Cruise Lines -- We float because physics God says we have to."
4. Most religions haven't explored the moral issue of their "loving God" condemning his lambs of other Religions to eternity of hellfire just because they were raised in a different society with no chance to worship him. For those that have, I salute your ingenuity.
5. I've always said, if you can't compete with quality, get a horde of pitchfork-wielding morons to yell louder than everyone else about it.
6. Lazy.
7. Or even their fair share.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Electoral Barrage


It has come to my attention that you intend to hold an "election" of some sort, perhaps involving billions of your dollars provided to some sort of faceless automatons beholden to those entities donating said money.

Putting aside for the moment the fact that if your peasantry is so stupid that they take television advertisements at face value, and that therefore the quantity of money spent by a candidate increases the likelihood of that candidate being elected, why hasn't it self evident that there must be an ulterior motive for a candidate (or their lackeys) to spend millions or hundreds of millions of dollars just to get into a job that pays a few hundred thousand dollars a year?

Back in Alyredia (my island nation) the population was kept rather in-check by threats1 of violence and pitting one class against another against both of their best interests. Take, for instance, when I told the mud farmers that the hemp processors (who were organizing to bargain for better working conditions) were only in it for themselves and taking a cut off the top while everyone else worked their tails2 off. Additionally, those dirty hemp fatcats wanted to get someone to replace me through something called a "bloodless coup", so I spread the rumor that their guy was all about just taking money and giving it to some stupid social programs for lazy people.

You know what they did? When the hemp people went to meet with the mud people, it was a riot. Literally, a riot -- that's not a figure of speech. I'm not sure what happened to their candidate, but he was never seen again and definitely did not end up in an unmarked grave somewhere after having been "escorted" away from the meeting by a few of my loyal undercover soldiers.

Ah, good times.

I guess it does no good to poke fun at the willful ignorance of the American people, however. Despite having free and (nearly) unrestricted access to a wealth of information in the form of the internet, few take up the large cup just sitting there, tantalizingly, at the edge of the well of knowledge. Perhaps the filter on this cup is just too hard to configure, or perhaps the giant bag of refined sugar sitting next to it in the form of Facebook and Fox news is just too hard to resist by the mentally-diabetic masses. The amusing part is, many of them are pouring it directly into the well, contaminating it for all.

With the state of the "media" as it is in America, it shouldn't be difficult to continue the rule of the upper class, by hook or by crook: duplicitous ads that the proletariat believe must be truthful by law; "irregularities" of voting machines made by companies that will benefit greatly if a particular candidate wins; voter suppression at the polls; gerrymandering in states to carefully eliminate pockets of resistance (or at least minimize their impact by putting them all in one district). Combined with the "pass-the-blame" game of blocking any economic improvement measure and the complaint that it's "not getting better fast enough" actually working on a short-attention-span, no-memory populace, it seems as though most of the political money spent is rather wasteful both during and after an election. Millions spent on commercials to sway voters that will have their vote nullified could be far better spent, say, on building a laser to blow up the moon or on mind control rays.

I have a far better solution.

Why not elect the lobbyists directly? It's proven that elections in America can now be bought by the highest bidder, and who bids higher than the corporations and the lobbyists that work for them? This works within your quaint electoral system. It also cuts out the middleman politician, which reduces the amount of money it costs to have a law written. We also wouldn't waste as much time with frivolous pursuits: laws would only be written to benefit the people3 that deserve them.

What are currently known as "contributions4" can just be called a salary (with bonuses for the number of laws passed that benefit the lobbyist's employer). The taxpayer need not pay them at all; their money would come directly from the corporations they work for and represent.

Finally, the position could be non-specific; the lobbyist merely holds a seat and can be replaced by his or her employer at any time, should they show a streak of independence or if the employer is in any way displeased with the lobbyist's performance.

What do you say, America? Won't you help the poor, destitute corporations that have suffered so greatly under Obama's iron-fisted anti-business neo-fascist zombie granola-eating Nazi Muslim pedophile take-away-your-guns hasn't-fixed-the-previous-administration's-mess-fast-enough America-hating rule? Those corporations who have really learned their lesson after losing two trillion dollars to risky ventures after being bailed out just a couple of years ago this time we promise?  Come on, Chase Bank, Citigroup, and Koch industries will let all that money they save on buying the presidency trickle down to you, because this time will be way different than the last time.

Who you gonna believe? Those who are spending millions or your own lying historical facts?

Actually, it doesn't really matter. The vote can simply be fixed and certified by the supreme court if necessary.

¡Viva la CorporatiĆ³n!

1. More "displays", less "threats".
2. Again, not quite a figure of speech. Many of the menial class were born with tails due to inbreeding and industrial waste products.
3. Corporations and the rich people that run them.
4. Also known as "bribes" in other circumstances.

Monday, June 11, 2012

Yardwork - the broken magnetic resonance generator to this body's plasma coil.

Curse this corporeal form!

One of the things I'm learning to deal with is the prevalence of these so-called "allergies". To maintain my cover tonight in this sleepy, unsuspecting suburban enclave, I was forced to do yardwork on the previous evening. If I hadn't, the city would have come along and fined me for allowing "noxious weeds" to grow. Little do they know what grew in my greenhouse of evil back in my island fortress.

At any rate, anything short of negating the atomic bonds that hold their molecules together and causing a cascade disintegration leaves behind evidence, and since I was forced to leave the portable version of that weapon behind I must comply to avoid suspicion (for now).

The mowing and weeding itself isn't that difficult, though why anyone would voluntarily keep "grass" is beyond me. Broken rock and the skulls of my vanquished foes was always enough for just the right atmosphere back at the lair. It's the pollen in the air and the cut grass. These mortal lungs have difficulty after even a short time, and it just builds up to be worse until breathing is a chore and my eyes are watering. I rushed to finish and then got inside to the micro-lab and mixed up some Albuterol with an inhalant vector, took a dose, and it was quite a relief. Additionally, sitting in front of the air conditioner was helpful as well.

So it's well known that these allergies bother multitudes of people. Why haven't they figured out a way to fix it yet? Knowing my former "peers" (many of whom run drug companies), it's because it's far more profitable to make quick fixes. This may not even be intentional: why bother looking for more permanent fixes while your drug is selling well? The thing that I don't understand is why they don't develop something that works better? Many people would pay much more for a more effective solution... even sell their own souls, if I properly overheard some of the mutterings of allergy sufferers. Or is it a question of capability? Note to self: develop new better working and more complete daily allergy relief medication for ordinary humans.

I'm assuming that my cover is good enough that my enemies will not connect the writer of this weblog to my real identity. They'd know to develop weapons based on this newly-discovered allergy weakness. Perhaps I'd best hurry developing my anti-allergy defenses, at any rate.

Have a nightmarish day, foul followers.

Saturday, June 9, 2012

The Sound of Gnomes Screaming

Me: I should record these sounds of gnomes screaming as you roll the fusion ball over them as a ringtone.
Wife: That's terrible.
Me (thinking): The Screaming Gnomes is the name of my ICP cover band.

Friday, June 8, 2012

Everything evil must have a beginning...

Greetings, vermin.

It has been quite some time since I have endeavored to write down my conjectures, experiences and subliminal messaging for the world to dutifully absorb and become my unwitting subjects (through admiration, vexation or just plain outright fear). This has been due to a rather... complex situation.

With the crash in the United States real estate market and the failure of multiple banks where I had stored most of my hard-earned1 currency, my net value had dropped so far that the few niceties2 I provided to keep the population of my small island-nation from revolting became too expensive to sustain at the same time as keeping my . Actually, that's not quite true: they had always been revolting, but knowing my security detail had walked off the job... they had decided to rebel3.

I had thought myself safe in my moat-surrounded fortress, being as how the moat was filled with magma and the fortress was carved from an active volcano. Unfortunately I had not realized that my so-called "trusted lieutenant" was unhappy with me as well (due to some sort of mixup with his own last few paychecks). I discovered this delightful fact when I found him hitting the button to raise the moatbridge and disarm the automated defenses, allowing pitchfork- and torch-wielding peasants to stream into my castle.

With only the horcrux I had in my pocket (seriously, who places all of their horcruxes in hidden locations and mindless animals? It's not as if there's a minimum distance requirement and animals are fragile.) and my emergency mayhem kit4, I was forced to flee to my rocket-propelled escape pod while activating the self-destruct mechanism. I heard the rather-satisfying "T-Minus 10 minutes until self-destruct" broadcast in monotone as the door closed, and then the exhilarating roar and 6G acceleration of my pod blasting out through the top of the volcano dominated my senses.

Imagine the surprise on my ex-lieutenant's face while he was disabling the countdown and it finished while still showing 9:465.

I set myself up with an average suburban life and leverage my technology skills to get a menial urban IT job, which allows me to live off-the-grid, at least off the standards of a grid that an evil overlord is accustomed to. It should afford me time enough to rebuild, hidden from the prying eyes of my enemies (including my treacherous ex-lieutenant6), and restart my plans for world conquest. In the interim, I've also become quite fond of a few "computer games"; while nothing like the escapism provided by full-immersion VR that I used to have back in the lairs, I suppose that beggars cannot be choosers7, and besides, it's nice playing a few games that I have to work at to be successful at8.

So at any rate, I found myself with a considerable amount of time on my hands and only a small fraction of my original hoard and machinery. No secret lab. No access to my moonbase or orbital weapons platforms. Computer technology from the dark ages. Worst of all, having to clean my own domicile. I decided that while I'm laid up and creating new fragments of my soul to imbue into objects (on the list: solid platinum bar, Mount Rushmore, the moon) and finding alternative power sources for gadgetry I plan to rebuild (the orphanages are all questioning my motives; I believe it was the request for a quantity discount that caused their suspicion), that I would fill my time by attempting to brainwash the populace two to three times a week in the guise of humor and commentary. Sometimes, I may chat about games or just amusing things I've discovered. Anything that I so choose to fill the time.

I also may be trying out new monologues or bylines. Let this serve as a warning.

Perhaps I will see your IP in the logs again.


1. Stolen.
2. Actually, mostly soldiers and automated camera/death ray emplacements.
3. Bonus points for getting the movie reference ("Points" have no cash value. Void in all 50 States and Canada.)
4. No, it causes mayhem. An essential tool for the overlord-on-the-go.
5. Actually, I don't have to imagine it. The final act of my in-fortress cameras was to send me a picture of his face over the controls as the explosions began. Truly the best laugh I've had in months.
6. Always assume your enemies have survived, if you haven't seen their smoldering remains and checked the dental records.
7. Beggars at the island fortress were simply vaporized by automated lasers or pushed into the lava moat if the lasers were down for maintenance.
8. When you're the only one with the brilliance to program in a 5-dimension holographic interface to manage the VR environment, you have to program all your own games -- which means you know all the puzzle solutions and cheat codes.