Friday, August 31, 2012


So, we've been reduced to this.

Who is the imbecile that let a doddering old man up on stage without a script, carrying a chair that didn't stop him to ask why?

The entire Republican party?

Oh, you guys.

Well, at least the simpletons in the audience, and the ones watching and seeing it after the fact, are easily fooled. Already, similarly Paul "Lyin" Ryan's speech on Tuesday, they spin it into meanings that are at best a stretch, and at worst a colossal circularly-enforced delusion.

"It was all acting!"

"His point was that Obama isn't ever there and is a failure!"

"His hearing aid was turned up so loud that he could actually HEAR someone back stage say, 'Go fuck yourself.'"

"That chair shouldn't be so disrespectful of Mitt and Clint!"

"Eastwood-Chair 2016!"

"President Obama was actually there using government black-helicopter technology!"

And so on...

Eeeeexcellent. Stealing this election might just be easier than we originally thought. I do hope that Obama's fixed it up enough again that there's something in the treasury to steal again, however. These peasants need to be ground a bit more into the dirt.


So now that a bit of time has passed for the imbeciles that think that since Neil Armstrong's dead, he won't have to give back his 7 tour de France medals1 to focus on some other moronic pop culture thing, there's an interesting thing I thought I'd bring up.

While Neil Armstrong was, himself, a pretty awesome guy, and engineer -- the thing he is most well-known for is that he strapped himself into rockets and trusted the engineers, mechanics, scientists and mathematicians to get him where he was going.

Bravery? Yes.

Skill? Definitely.

But nowhere in the common press do I ever hear about the people who got it all right, who put those men on the moon.

Heaven, most people probably can't even name the other two astronauts in the Apollo 11 capsule without Google or Wikipedia2.

People, don't just celebrate your front men. Neil himself had a small ego; it's one of the reasons he was chosen to be the first human to step onto another celestial body. It's all of you together that can do great things, not just a single man. Celebrate your scientists, your engineers, your mechanics, your logistics support. Celebrate science.

Don't cut it away a piece at a time to religious demagoguery. Don't slice it up so that another defense contractor can sell another bomb.

You've got too much riding on this, and your failure to do so... disappoints me.

1. Yes, Really. I'm not joking.
2. Buzz Aldrin and Michael Collins, in case you're wondering. Though Collins wasn't in the lander.

Wednesday, August 29, 2012

Hurricane Isaac Disappointed at Being Turned Away From Convention.

Pensacola, FL, 8/28/2012:
Alyreuters - In an interview today, Hurricane Isaac has stated that he's disappointed about being unable to attend the Republican National Convention being held this week in Tampa Bay, Florida.

"Ever since I became a tropical depression in the warm Atlantic waters, I had one goal: to attend the Republican National Convention so I can always remember the great victory that the Republicans will have this year in the polls. Even though I'll probably peter out and vanish over a large landmass long before the November elections, I'll know that I was there for a part of history." the hurricane said.

When asked of his political leanings, the Hurricane replied: "Well, I wreck economies on a scale measured in GDP; I leave a huge path of destruction in my wake; I indirectly kill the poorest people in society while the richest get sweet government contracts and kickbacks to clean up my mess; and when my eye is directly on you, you know there's going to be more destruction and chaos coming really soon. Of course I'm a Republican! Also, I like strippers and whores."

The Hurricane paused for a moment to wipe out a neighborhood by swelling a river and breaking the levee. "Wow, I don't know why you guys bother with those. They don't work, especially when you've cut all the public safety programs to the bone. You should stop funding that stuff altogether."

"So anyway, I was rather disappointed to find out that I wouldn't be admitted to the Republican convention this year. But I can still be useful: after all, I am a hurricane. I decided to focus my abilities elsewhere; to continue my special brand of tried-and-true "trickle-down" on the poor and middle-class and hit New Orleans, perhaps try some of that spicy Cajun seafood, or catch some sun further along the coast in Texas before turning northward to bring more Republican values to the heartland."

Monday, August 27, 2012

Rushing to conclusions.

Tampa Bay, FL, 8/27/2012:
Alyreuters - Reports are in that Rush Limbaugh has stated that the current Hurricane threatening the gulf coast is of Obama's doing: "Evidently, this Oh-Bama has been using black magic to summon and control a this... what is it, this hurricane Isaac, to aim directly at the Tampa Bay area to try to interfere with the Republican National Convention, hallowed be thy name. It's simply a shame that the taxpayer has had to foot the bill for the black budget for his black cabal to worship the powerful black spirits responsible for this... weather witchcraft."

Limbaugh went on to say: "Now, I'm not saying he definitely sacrificed unborn fetuses to collect enough blood to power his black rituals, but his record on voting for infanticide speaks for itself. I'm just saying, you decide. I can see him, there in the sub-basement of the white house with his black administration, over a black pentagram or whatever it is, speaking in his African language, or whatever it is... blooba blooba [click] blooba [click] [click]... that's how they sound, you know. Anyway, he and his screwed-up administration like known liar White House press secretary Jim Carney and the covetous Ben Bernanke, the fed chairman, who is probably a child molester... I can't prove that, but he probably is, or was... and Sandra Fluke, all down there in some sort of orgy and chanting to their black Gods, all to just change the weather to block the Republicans, to make any progress forward impossible in the economic recovery of this country. That's the sort of politics your black president plays, folks. Dirty. Evil. Black. He'll do anything to win, including lie, cheat and steal from Medicare. And send a hurricane to ruin the Republican convention. Because he can. Do you really want someone like that in the White House for another four years?"

"It was only by the grace of our good, Christian, God that we were able to turn away the hurricane, just in time to block the worst of its black effects." Limbaugh said. "We had good, lily-white spirit Christians praying around the clock so that their chosen nominees and elected officials would remain safe and dry. I guess they didn't, you know, pray quite hard enough, as our folks still got rained on and had to delay the convention stuff for a day. But they turned away the worst effects to somewhere that nobody cares about, and that's what counts."

Limbaugh then added: "Black. Black blackity black black. Nigger. That's the country he's from. What? It's 'Niger'? Eh.. whatever. They know what I mean."

The sound of a pill bottle opening could be heard shortly afterwards, before commercial break.

Wednesday, August 22, 2012

Akin-Breaky Heart

It's always disappointing when evil has to cull one of its own paragons; a rabid knight in black armor that has suddenly gone too rabid for so many of the sheep that they are trying to fleece that it tips the scales of the balance of power back to virtue.

I, too, am joining the call for representative Akin to step down. Not for what he said or believes; these are standard fare for those of his caste1. No, I'm calling for his career to be fed into the woodchipper of failure because of his audacity, carelessness and lack of grace to speak of it aloud; to put definitive, inevasible and irrefutable words into the heads of the undecided voting populace2 instead of the vague trigger words that nonetheless bring specific thoughts of fear, racism, and misogyny while playing to all the hidden layers of the worst of mankind.

Unfortunately, when one reaches for the dog whistle but grabs the megaphone instead, it quickly turns into quite the unmanageable kerfuffle.

Bishop Romney3 is having enough of a difficult time convincing people he can relate to them4; we don't need someone keep bringing those crazy views up to remind people what the Republican party really stands for. I can't help but to shudder when I imagine him unthinkingly disgorge how we're going to keep taxing the poor to give breaks to the rich, how we're going to destroy the middle class and the environment at every turn to make a buck, or how corporations get special treatment over the commonfolk.

On the other hand, this sacrificial lamb does bring about one nice thing now that I think about it: how long has it been since you've heard anyone mention those tax returns that may show that he's actually a felon?

1. His caste being those that are servants to those of us that run things behind the scenes, the types that his ilk hold umbrellas and serve drinks to while toadying up to us to ask for more money and favors. And a job after they've used up their usefulness to us.
2. What few people are still undecided, that is: after the countless gaffes and inability of the propaganda arm of the Republican party to convince the mindless sheep of the country that their chosen one is 'one of them' and 'just a successful, ordinary guy' and an 'international businessman on an important international business trip'.
3. He's still using 'Bishop', right? Or is it 'Sir'? 'Grand Wizard'? It's so difficult to keep straight these days.
4. Funny, the easiest way that The Leadership in the past has pulled this one off is to say, "Who would you rather have a beer with?" Well, guess why can't they use that one anymore? Yeah... don't want to bring up yet another difference he has with the majority of the lesser classes that he expects to vote for him.

Thursday, August 16, 2012

Est ergo veritatem.

With the Mars Science Laboratory having been awesomely landed by a team of incredible bad-asses at the United States' JPL last week (and if you haven't seen what that entailed, I highly recommend you look it up. Yourselves. No, I won't Google it for you), I thought it might be a nice thing to go over a bit of comparison between what science has brought us, as a civilization, and what religion and blind ideology have brought about for us. There's also a list, at the very end, of things science is "on the brink" of bringing us: amazing technologies that are right around the corner; visible in the distance as actually achievable but not quite there yet.

Granted, this is mostly a "generalized" list, and I've tried not to include any duplicates, but a few might have crept in here and there. Also, on this list are a few things that you might argue if "science" really brought us. To those arguments I say: shut your pulpy-red organ-filled enamel-crusted speech hole. The way we utilize these items wouldn't be the same without their discovery and effects learned by application of the scientific method.

Things religion and blind ideology have brought us:
Flat-earth theory
Faith healing
Animal (including human) sacrifice
Warm tingly feeling when facing our own mortality
The Crusades
Willingness to sacrifice life for another person's agenda
HIV rates in Africa

Things science has brought us:
Communities that can grow past a few hundred people
Space telescopes
Space shuttle
Moon landing
Pictures from other planets
Understanding of seasons
Clean water
Clean air
Unspoiled food
Movable type
Knowledge of bacteria
Knowledge of viruses
Open-heart surgery
New metals
Laptop computers
Laser printers
Inkjet printers
Tablet computers
Safety vests
Life preservers
Reflective tape
Flat panel displays
Satellite TV
Computer networks
Wireless networking
Contact lenses
Statin drugs
Heart valve stints
Extended lifespans
Digital cameras
Cure for smallpox
Cure for polio
Cure for whooping cough
Cure for scurvy
Survivable appendicitis
Genetic testing
Air conditioning
Central heating
Coffee makers
"Bulletproof" glass
Panes of clear glass
Bulletproof vests
Spun fibers
Cotton clothing
Indoor lighting
Tanning booths
Fluorescent lights
Aluminum foil
Microwave communication
Microwave ovens
Laser communication
Instant hot water
Running water
Hurricane tracking
Tornado warning systems
Printing press
Stringed instruments
Brass instruments
Electronic instruments
Sheet Music
Outboard motors
Magnetic data storage
Optical data storage
Flash data storage
Binary electronic systems
The internet
Web browsers
Voice mail
Personal lubrication
Birth control pills
Cut gemstones
Comic books
Canned food
Aluminum cans
Carbonated beverages in every store5
Laser pointers
Blue jeans
This blog
Computer languages
IV fluids
Instant messengers
Pots and pans
Bass woofers
Computer games
Atomic Theory
Geiger counters
Fire alarms
Burglar alarms
Fast food
Liquid Skin
Burn therapies
Dehydrated Foods
Ball-point pens
Roller coasters
Fiber optics
Dental hygiene and care
Foamed milk
Domesticated animals
Pop rocks
Survivable surgery
Cargo ships
Personal watercraft
Seismic monitors
Tsunami warning systems
Video cameras
Genetic tests
Jet turbines
...and lots more!

Things Science is bringing us soon (but you can't quite buy yet):
Self-driving cars
Human-machine direct neural interfaces
Replacement retinas
Cures for severed spinal cords
Contact lenses with embedded electronics (Heads-up Displays, anyone?)
Augmented reality
Wearable computers woven into your clothing
Self-cleaning clothing fibers

1. War - Sure, there's also war over resources, but without religion's interference and "God-given" rights a diplomatic solution would have much more likely been found. The planet is not yet to the point of actual resource scarcity for the global community to create an "us or them" mentality, though it is approaching that point quickly. Most wars are begun and fought over ideology and/or religion, and an unwillingness to work together -- something science is good at.
2. Torture - It's been shown again and again not to work. This is contrary to the scientific method. I suppose a case can be made to argue that science has improved the methods of torture both psychologically and physically, but without the willingness to harm another in the name of ideology, torture wouldn't exist in the first place.
3. Slavery - Slavery wouldn't exist without an ideology that some people are better than others, or are a worker class.
4. Houses - Instead of Caves or whatever natural structures were carved by nature. The building materials or methods used for centuries weren't discovered without basic scientific method, whether they be stone block
5. Carbonated Beverages - Carbonated Water occurs naturally, but a method to create, bottle and mass-produce it? Yeah. Scientific Method applied, bitches.
6. Tomatoes - Originally thought to be poisoned. It took someone experimenting with eating them to realize that they were not.
7. Milk - Secretions from a cow's udder? Think you'd be drinking that if someone hadn't tried it first? BAM, Scientific Method!

Monday, August 13, 2012

Leveling Services.

Are you tired of being tired, but don't want to do all the hard work it takes to get in shape? Rather spend your leisure time slaying internet dragons and getting more purple pixels? Need more time to play between work and sleep? Household chores being a total TKer in your FPS?

Introducing new Body Leveling Services, from your friends at AlyredCo™! That's right, we've developed a way to transfer your consciousness into one of our FunDrones™ with your choice of current electronic gaming platforms while one of our advanced BodyShapers™ does the workouts for you! No more sweat in your eyes while you're trying to take on that dumb thirteen year old kid from Akron, Ohio in Back to Karkand! Slay Deathwing in complete simulated comfort while your personal BodyShaper™ does squat thrusts! Even questing and exploring Mists of Pandaria is a breeze while your hunger, thirst, sleep and other biological functions are handily taken care of by your BodyShaper™ while bringing your body's form to the very pinnacle of peak physical perfection*.

We have four pricing tiers to fit your budget!
Rodent: Entry tier. 8 month minimum contract. Free(restrictions* apply)!
Pawn: Middle tier, for the sedentary-getter, 6 month minimum contract ($59.99/mo).
Phantom: 4 month minimum contract. You will gain a particular set of..."skills" ($599.99/mo).
DeLorean: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

In addition, you have the personal guarantee of AlyredCo™ that after your contracted time expires, your body may be returned to you in peak condition, healed and ready to go out and party! Attract that mate you've always wanted! Walk up more than a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat! Dangle from a harness while suspended over priceless artifacts, so as not to set off the floor sensors! Drill into bank vaults to claim the riches within! This physical prowess and more are yours for the taking!

AlyredCo™! Destroying the competition, one American Dream at a time!

Gaming software and gym memberships purchased separately. Results not typical. Criminal record may be applied. Body not likely intact before rodent contract expires due to use in some sort of Zapp Brannigan-style killbot-stopping scheme, or simply destroyed for AlyredCo™ Chief Executives' entertainment. Pawn contract involves indentured servitude for final two months as a minion of AlyredCo™. Phantom contract skills are only learned in muscle-memory, but include: jewel thievery, demolitions, escape artist, assassination, and sous chef. DeLorean plan does not involve time travel. All plans except Rodent require surgical alteration. BodyShapers™ are dog-brains controlled by a massive supercomputer; personal interaction with BodyShaper™-controlled bodies not recommended, nor fruitful as BodyShapers™ show have no emotions. 

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Entitlements (Specifically, Mine).

The life of a supervillain is generally a rewarding one, allowing indulgences and whims to be fulfilled on a regular basis with very few limits or drawbacks. Ergo, the temptation to grasp at the ripe, low-hanging fruit of a peaceful, placid1and neighborly society will always eventually reach critical mass; a tipping point that upsets the face of order by introducing it to the highly-energetic cream pie of chaos. Nature2 abhors a vacuum, and someone's eventually going to be the stone thrown from within that grimy glass house of complacency, shattering it into shards of opportunity and power that will be greedily clutched by those who are the fastest to leave brotherhood, ethics and often sanity behind.

Unfortunately, the time is past that a dishonest, hard-working individual or cadre of supervillains could make vague, open threats against a government (or group of governments) and expect a serious response and the monetary funds requested to continue his (or her!) nefarious work. Far too much competition from petty criminals and corporations has watered down the severity of such ultimatums to make them something that can generally be ignored as "somebody else's problem."

That added to the showboats of terrorist activity in roughly the past decade (the orchestrators, not the imbeciles they got to carry out the attacks) and the conveniently expensive paid-to-the-military-contractors inevitable response, public opinion has turned more towards a "shoot first, possibly ask questions of the corpse but it isn't necessary" response. This does not bode well for actually collecting on the money demanded, even if said government or corporate entity takes you seriously enough to pay out.

So! I've created KickStopper®, a new platform for CrowdForcing®! How does it work? Well, unlike the original KickStarter that only gets money if the entire project gets funded, KickStopper® takes the money immediately and offers the rewards to whomever has paid their share, all while offering a layer of obfuscation between the ultimatum initiator and the common vermin. It's win-win for everyone3!

So now, instead of moving in a seemingly endless progression of conceptualization, lab experiments, explosions, lack of funding/foiled by arch nemesis, and ultimately starting over, this should allow any aspiring supervillain that I allow4 to use the platform a way to raise those desperately needed funds.

Tonight, I will present the very first5 KickStopper® ultimatum: mine6! Of course, this is only a screengrab; you'll have to go to the full site to actually pay your dues. I'm certain, however, after reading my complete case and the ultimate threat it represents, you'll be persuaded to turn out your pockets and give generously. And now, on with the show...

(click to aggrandize)

1. Boring.
2. As we all know, "Mother" Nature is one cold, heartless and unfeeling bitch.
3. Mostly me. But rewards are nearly instant for the common user, so... maybe 90-10 win-kinda win.
4. No others will be allowed.
5. ...and only.
6. It's a fascinating project, for certain.  Why only the northern hemisphere? Well, I need to keep someplace pristine so I can keep all my stuff there. I'm thinking Australia or Rio, though Rio seems somewhat of a party town, what with all the shanties and ghettos and rampant kidnapping and murder.

Friday, August 3, 2012

Minions Wanted...

Good1 help is hard to find. When I was running ...The Organization, I would often have to replace minions due to the turnover expected in any multinational corporate entity -- Leaving for more lucrative work, promotion, standing in fire, freak lab accidents, being between ends of plasma induction coils when they are powered on... well, you get the idea2. The problem is, the inevitable horrible-death-or-disfigurement-to-compensation ratio is so high that most of the "applicants" you get are imbeciles that don't know the business end of a Steyr AMR-36 assault rifle from a hole in the ground, brown-nosing yes-cretins that tell you your plan is genius even when you're giving them a test with an obviously terrible plan, or overly-ambitious ladder-climbers that will stab you in the back to usurp your hard-won power at the most inopportune moment3.

So once I rebuild ...The Organization, I plan on a new model of recruitment. Namely, one that provides me plenty of unambitious, dumber-than-average yet still somehow able to pass a Turing test minions that actually have some firearms training and are willing to work for peanuts; a model that, if done right, I will need only compete with southern evangelical mega-churches for a steady stream of loyally slavering underlings that will do my bidding with the flimsiest of rationalizations.

Yes, you vile little social barnacles. I'm talking about Tea Partiers4! No, I'm not going to reveal my entire 695 step plan, I'll only give you a taste!

You see, when a Tea Partier sees a picture of your president with a hitler mustache or the words, "Obama is a socialist muslim fascist commie kitty-hater who wants to take away your Medicare and give it to undocumented immigrants!" on sign held by an older, white male or somewhat-hottish, plastic church mom6, the deep-rooted fear and racial prejudice machines that have been ingrained into his or her unused grey matter by countless hours of propaganda kick in together to create a potent, toxic slurry that douses their very morals. It shoots right down to their gut and nearly physically pulls them into the crowd, irresistibly drawing inward, and soon he or she has crossed the event horizon of sanity and is spouting the same nonsense like a parrot taught to curse7. The truth in their minds gains validity by the volume and quantity of those speaking it, regardless of actual facts or historical trends.

Bonus points if the crowd members are shouting something along the lines of, "Gunmint's gunna take away yer guns!8" or "Occupy Wall Street wants to take your money!"

So, after first setting up an ammo-selling9 booth nearby for liberating cash from those eager to be parted from it10, I plan on employing "Crowdforcing11" techniques to move them to my own ends. Methods include:

  • Saying my target is threatening their ability to bear arms, and that we should march on them NOW and kick them out of the country12.
  • Having them construct large towers with rotary cannon emplacements to make sure the "wrong type13" of people can't get into their gated communities.
  • If I need to cross a deep chasm, use circular logic and/or religion to have them cast their bodies into it until I can comfortably stroll from one side to the other14.
  • Telling them that "That's the way Reagan did/wanted it" for whatever cockamamie scheme I want them to carry out.
  • Make their minds mushy and pliable by watching hours of Fox News or some reality show, like "So you think you can dance with the survivor idols." To rile them: Bill O'Reilly15.
There's lots more, but listing them has become blasé.

So, the next time you see a crowd of gun-toting, sign-wielding white imbeciles milling about, beware my ire and be sure to leave plenty of supplication in the collection box16.

It may just be the beginning of my re-ascension to power.

1. And by 'good', I mean 'evil'.
2. Also: suicide, suicide by betrayal, suicide by failure, suicide by displeasing their overlord in any way...
3. For instance: when you're gloating and/or monologuing over the hero/damsel you're about to utterly destroy.
4. Sadly, only the modern-day versions. I haven't yet perfected my reanimation ray, and my time machine is in the shop because it was overheating.
5. Stop your snickering. The number is merely a coincidence!
6. Closely related to the soccer mom.
7. And hate.
8. Note the clever 1:2 ratio of words containing "gun" to those without.
9. "Buy three shells for the price of 4, and get one free!"
10. Also: arming them for whatever nefarious scheme I have planned at their cost...
11. It's a new field of study on how to manipulate mobs into doing what you want. A combination of logical fallacies and mind-altering gas. As seen on Fox News!
12. Regardless of their country of citizenship.
13. People I don't like.
14. "You must have 'great faith' to take the step on the bridge." "Oops! Last one didn't have enough faith. Next! Now, you look like a devout fellow!"
15. Coincidental Homophone? There are no coincidences. Except for that number of steps in my plan thing from earlier. There is only one coincidence.
16. Alternatively, feel free to buy some ammo at the AlyredCo® Ammo-n-Alcohol© booth and join in the pawn party milling away nearby.