Friday, August 3, 2012

Minions Wanted...

Good1 help is hard to find. When I was running ...The Organization, I would often have to replace minions due to the turnover expected in any multinational corporate entity -- Leaving for more lucrative work, promotion, standing in fire, freak lab accidents, being between ends of plasma induction coils when they are powered on... well, you get the idea2. The problem is, the inevitable horrible-death-or-disfigurement-to-compensation ratio is so high that most of the "applicants" you get are imbeciles that don't know the business end of a Steyr AMR-36 assault rifle from a hole in the ground, brown-nosing yes-cretins that tell you your plan is genius even when you're giving them a test with an obviously terrible plan, or overly-ambitious ladder-climbers that will stab you in the back to usurp your hard-won power at the most inopportune moment3.

So once I rebuild ...The Organization, I plan on a new model of recruitment. Namely, one that provides me plenty of unambitious, dumber-than-average yet still somehow able to pass a Turing test minions that actually have some firearms training and are willing to work for peanuts; a model that, if done right, I will need only compete with southern evangelical mega-churches for a steady stream of loyally slavering underlings that will do my bidding with the flimsiest of rationalizations.

Yes, you vile little social barnacles. I'm talking about Tea Partiers4! No, I'm not going to reveal my entire 695 step plan, I'll only give you a taste!

You see, when a Tea Partier sees a picture of your president with a hitler mustache or the words, "Obama is a socialist muslim fascist commie kitty-hater who wants to take away your Medicare and give it to undocumented immigrants!" on sign held by an older, white male or somewhat-hottish, plastic church mom6, the deep-rooted fear and racial prejudice machines that have been ingrained into his or her unused grey matter by countless hours of propaganda kick in together to create a potent, toxic slurry that douses their very morals. It shoots right down to their gut and nearly physically pulls them into the crowd, irresistibly drawing inward, and soon he or she has crossed the event horizon of sanity and is spouting the same nonsense like a parrot taught to curse7. The truth in their minds gains validity by the volume and quantity of those speaking it, regardless of actual facts or historical trends.

Bonus points if the crowd members are shouting something along the lines of, "Gunmint's gunna take away yer guns!8" or "Occupy Wall Street wants to take your money!"

So, after first setting up an ammo-selling9 booth nearby for liberating cash from those eager to be parted from it10, I plan on employing "Crowdforcing11" techniques to move them to my own ends. Methods include:

  • Saying my target is threatening their ability to bear arms, and that we should march on them NOW and kick them out of the country12.
  • Having them construct large towers with rotary cannon emplacements to make sure the "wrong type13" of people can't get into their gated communities.
  • If I need to cross a deep chasm, use circular logic and/or religion to have them cast their bodies into it until I can comfortably stroll from one side to the other14.
  • Telling them that "That's the way Reagan did/wanted it" for whatever cockamamie scheme I want them to carry out.
  • Make their minds mushy and pliable by watching hours of Fox News or some reality show, like "So you think you can dance with the survivor idols." To rile them: Bill O'Reilly15.
There's lots more, but listing them has become blasé.

So, the next time you see a crowd of gun-toting, sign-wielding white imbeciles milling about, beware my ire and be sure to leave plenty of supplication in the collection box16.

It may just be the beginning of my re-ascension to power.

1. And by 'good', I mean 'evil'.
2. Also: suicide, suicide by betrayal, suicide by failure, suicide by displeasing their overlord in any way...
3. For instance: when you're gloating and/or monologuing over the hero/damsel you're about to utterly destroy.
4. Sadly, only the modern-day versions. I haven't yet perfected my reanimation ray, and my time machine is in the shop because it was overheating.
5. Stop your snickering. The number is merely a coincidence!
6. Closely related to the soccer mom.
7. And hate.
8. Note the clever 1:2 ratio of words containing "gun" to those without.
9. "Buy three shells for the price of 4, and get one free!"
10. Also: arming them for whatever nefarious scheme I have planned at their cost...
11. It's a new field of study on how to manipulate mobs into doing what you want. A combination of logical fallacies and mind-altering gas. As seen on Fox News!
12. Regardless of their country of citizenship.
13. People I don't like.
14. "You must have 'great faith' to take the step on the bridge." "Oops! Last one didn't have enough faith. Next! Now, you look like a devout fellow!"
15. Coincidental Homophone? There are no coincidences. Except for that number of steps in my plan thing from earlier. There is only one coincidence.
16. Alternatively, feel free to buy some ammo at the AlyredCo® Ammo-n-Alcohol© booth and join in the pawn party milling away nearby.

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