Friday, June 22, 2012

The Late, Late show!

Well, it's still Friday here here at the secret bunker, and that's all that really matters. I've got a feeling this post won't get read by many until at least Saturday morning.

But since I've got your attention, I'd like to introduce a new AlyredCorp® product, the iWeight iPhone app! It's been scientifically proven1 that heavy electronics use can result in weight loss; now, combine your love of the mini-apps with the convenience of being able to weigh yourself anywhere!

Works on both iPads and iPhones (Sorry, Android users! You're too elitist2 for this app!). The cutting-edge graphics of the virtual scale can be skinned to your heart's content, allowing you to customize the readouts from a standard dial scale to a sharp, stylish digital glass with multiple colors.

Using the iWeight app is easy! First, program in the standard weight of your clothing, if you wish. Helpful suggestions are given for an array of clothing styles and types to give a good estimate, if you don't have an exact number. Then, place the iPhone or iPad face down on the ground, then step on the back... the super-accurate accelerometers in the device will take a few seconds at the longest, and then you'll hear a quick chime3 that means the device has affixed your weight on the screen. You and your friends will have hours of fun guessing each other's weight! Ever wonder what that large safe in your parents' basement weighs? Now you have an app that will tell you! Goes great with peanut butter sandwiches4 and Angry Birds5! It's got an Apple logo! Get yours in the app store today for only $3.996! Another great product... by AlyredCorp®. AlyredCorp®: turning your money today into my money tonight™ since 1975!

If you need to quickly find out your weight,
don't be grouchy, and try not to hate!
Your thirst for knowledge, you can slake,
Download the iWeight app, before it's too late!

1. Not actually scientifically proven.
2. Smart, whatever. Silence!
3. It sounds like the tinkling of cracking glass, with a bit of crunching electronics. Trademark!
4. Because let's face it, what doesn't?
5. The game, not the ornithological variety.
6. AlyredCorp®is not responsible for any incidental damage, intentional or otherwise, that will almost certainly result from using AlyredCorp apps. All rights reserved. Not for use in the bathroom, family room, dining room, kitchen, garage, or outside. iWeight app self-destruct may be aborted by entering the square root of 74 of your phone's keypad. Not for children under the age of three. You must be at least 50kg to use iWeight. iWeight is illegal to download in the US, Canada, European Union member-countries and Albania. No refunds. iWeight may not be returned for store credit. iWeight is not recommended for extinguishing fires. All rights reserved. Quantities may be limited. No shirt, no pants, no service. No purchase necessary to not win. Do not use iWeight at the same time as you are taking allergy, heart, or anxiety medications as extreme side effects could occur, including but not limited to uncontrolled vomiting, dizziness, multiple personality disorder, shingles, acid reflux disease, explosive gas buildup, death, purification, undeath, stalking the earth as a sparkling vampire, and embarrassment and shame of being a sparkling vampire. Talk to your doctor. Tech support is currently unavailable for any AlyredCorp® app. Should your iWeight app cause your iPhone or iPad to begin hissing at you. set it in a cage with a small, live rodent; it will be ready for use in 5-10 minutes. iWeight is for humans, large potted plants, and dolphins only (sorry, household pets!). Do not feed iWeight-enabled devices after 11:36 PM. Do not look back when fleeing ticking iWeight-enabled device or transformation into a pillar of sodium chloride and/or plagues of locusts will occur; iWeight is a vengeful God and is likely to go Old Testament on your posterior. Do not concentrate and inhale, powder, inject, or lick any fumes, vapors or other substances seeping from iWeight-enabled devices. Use at your own risk.

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