Electoral Barrage

America,

It has come to my attention that you intend to hold an "election" of some sort, perhaps involving billions of your dollars provided to some sort of faceless automatons beholden to those entities donating said money.

Putting aside for the moment the fact that if your peasantry is so stupid that they take television advertisements at face value, and that therefore the quantity of money spent by a candidate increases the likelihood of that candidate being elected, why hasn't it self evident that there must be an ulterior motive for a candidate (or their lackeys) to spend millions or hundreds of millions of dollars just to get into a job that pays a few hundred thousand dollars a year?

Back in Alyredia (my island nation) the population was kept rather in-check by threats¹ of violence and pitting one class against another against both of their best interests. Take, for instance, when I told the mud farmers that the hemp processors (who were organizing to bargain for better working conditions) were only in it for themselves and taking a cut off the top while everyone else worked their tails² off. Additionally, those dirty hemp fatcats wanted to get someone to replace me through something called a "bloodless coup", so I spread the rumor that their guy was all about just taking money and giving it to some stupid social programs for lazy people.

You know what they did? When the hemp people went to meet with the mud people, it was a riot. Literally, a riot -- that's not a figure of speech. I'm not sure what happened to their candidate, but he was never seen again and definitely did not end up in an unmarked grave somewhere after having been "escorted" away from the meeting by a few of my loyal undercover soldiers.

Ah, good times.

I guess it does no good to poke fun at the willful ignorance of the American people, however. Despite having free and (nearly) unrestricted access to a wealth of information in the form of the internet, few take up the large cup just sitting there, tantalizingly, at the edge of the well of knowledge. Perhaps the filter on this cup is just too hard to configure, or perhaps the giant bag of refined sugar sitting next to it in the form of Facebook and Fox news is just too hard to resist by the mentally-diabetic masses. The amusing part is, many of them are pouring it directly into the well, contaminating it for all.

With the state of the "media" as it is in America, it shouldn't be difficult to continue the rule of the upper class, by hook or by crook: duplicitous ads that the proletariat believe must be truthful by law; "irregularities" of voting machines made by companies that will benefit greatly if a particular candidate wins; voter suppression at the polls; gerrymandering in states to carefully eliminate pockets of resistance (or at least minimize their impact by putting them all in one district). Combined with the "pass-the-blame" game of blocking any economic improvement measure and the complaint that it's "not getting better fast enough" actually working on a short-attention-span, no-memory populace, it seems as though most of the political money spent is rather wasteful both during and after an election. Millions spent on commercials to sway voters that will have their vote nullified could be far better spent, say, on building a laser to blow up the moon or on mind control rays.

I have a far better solution.

Why not elect the lobbyists directly? It's proven that elections in America can now be bought by the highest bidder, and who bids higher than the corporations and the lobbyists that work for them? This works within your quaint electoral system. It also cuts out the middleman politician, which reduces the amount of money it costs to have a law written. We also wouldn't waste as much time with frivolous pursuits: laws would only be written to benefit the people³ that deserve them.

What are currently known as "contributions⁴" can just be called a salary (with bonuses for the number of laws passed that benefit the lobbyist's employer). The taxpayer need not pay them at all; their money would come directly from the corporations they work for and represent.

Finally, the position could be non-specific; the lobbyist merely holds a seat and can be replaced by his or her employer at any time, should they show a streak of independence or if the employer is in any way displeased with the lobbyist's performance.

What do you say, America? Won't you help the poor, destitute corporations that have suffered so greatly under Obama's iron-fisted anti-business neo-fascist zombie granola-eating Nazi Muslim pedophile take-away-your-guns hasn't-fixed-the-previous-administration's-mess-fast-enough America-hating rule? Those corporations who have really learned their lesson after losing two trillion dollars to risky ventures after being bailed out just a couple of years ago this time we promise?  Come on, Chase Bank, Citigroup, and Koch industries will let all that money they save on buying the presidency trickle down to you, because this time will be way different than the last time.

Who you gonna believe? Those who are spending millions or your own lying historical facts?

Actually, it doesn't really matter. The vote can simply be fixed and certified by the supreme court if necessary.

¡Viva la Corporatión!

1. More "displays", less "threats".
2. Again, not quite a figure of speech. Many of the menial class were born with tails due to inbreeding and industrial waste products.
3. Corporations and the rich people that run them.
4. Also known as "bribes" in other circumstances.