Tuesday, September 4, 2012

"Creation Museum" to build, launch Mars probe.

Sept. 4th, 2010 - Petersburg, KY: A spokesman for the AiG-funded Creation Museum held a press conference today, where they announced the funding for a new Mars probe to prove that knowledge gained from strictly biblical sources is just as valid as that gained from the scientific method of observation.

"The liberal media has continually lambasted Creationism as being false or without merit, but the faithful will prevail in this battle of what is unholy and what is right by the word of The Lord God almighty." said Answers in Genesis founder Ken Ham, while raising his hand at his side, index finger extended to the sky above. "While we can't take shortcuts like the heretics at NASA with their use of computers and the Devil's math [editor's note: Calculus], we've got a dedicated team working hard to bring any biblical answers to light on how to construct, launch, land, and direct a lander on the surface of Mars."

When questioned on the method of control that will be employed, Ham answered that the current favored idea is "really long strings that The Lord will stretch in the middle."

"Currently," Ham said, "our method of launch is a large Trebuchet, as described in the bible in the taking of the city of Syracuse in 212 B.C. Though that trebuchet, in fact, didn't throw stones, later ones did and we're calling that a gimme. Currently our record is nearly four furlongs, though we were able to reach five when the load was lightened to six drams. If we decide to attempt a manned mission that should be acceptable, as The Lord will provide all in times of need to those that are worthy, including food, water and oxygen. We just need to ensure that our Heavenaut is pious enough."

In the event of a manned mission, cans will be attached to each end of the string for communication, Ham explained. The mission planning stages also suffered a setback last week when the chief abacus operator, Abraham Jebediah Dunlop, was discovered working through the night and into the Sabbath, requiring the AiG organization to stone him to death.

Ham continued, "It was a real nice, old-fashioned stoning party. We had a Barbecue and everything set up before the big event, and even a marriage proposal right at the first throw. Unfortunately, old Abraham was the only one of us that knew advanced gravity theory, from the time it was still taught in schools over the more biblically-accurate 'intelligent falling' theory, so that's been a big loss because it had a lot of clues to how to interpret the biblical passages. But the Bible holds sway, and the word of God is incontestable."

Expected to join the team soon to replace Dunlop is noted Oxford Dr. Matthias Rinley. "Dr. Rinley doesn't have one of  those liberal elite 'mathematics' backgrounds, but he does have a doctorate in zoology from Oxford in sexual selection in pheasants, and he knows that climate change science is overblown bunk, and that's good enough for us," said Ham. "We've got faith that The Lord will provide the proper numbers in the proper, biblical way -- and that doesn't require your blasphemous 'calculations' at all."

At time of publication, capped tubes filled with 10,000 match heads were being wheeled by mules onto the launch platform for testing.


  1. Dark Lord, I petition thee - may I borrow "intelligent falling"? All honor and glory (and citation) will be unto you, of course. On pain of pain.

  2. Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for that. Well, I could, but I won't. It comes from The Onion, here: http://www.theonion.com/articles/evangelical-scientists-refute-gravity-with-new-int,1778/