Est ergo veritatem.

With the Mars Science Laboratory having been awesomely landed by a team of incredible bad-asses at the United States' JPL last week (and if you haven't seen what that entailed, I highly recommend you look it up. Yourselves. No, I won't Google it for you), I thought it might be a nice thing to go over a bit of comparison between what science has brought us, as a civilization, and what religion and blind ideology have brought about for us. There's also a list, at the very end, of things science is "on the brink" of bringing us: amazing technologies that are right around the corner; visible in the distance as actually achievable but not quite there yet.

Granted, this is mostly a "generalized" list, and I've tried not to include any duplicates, but a few might have crept in here and there. Also, on this list are a few things that you might argue if "science" really brought us. To those arguments I say: shut your pulpy-red organ-filled enamel-crusted speech hole. The way we utilize these items wouldn't be the same without their discovery and effects learned by application of the scientific method.

Things religion and blind ideology have brought us:
Flat-earth theory
Community
War¹
Hatred
Faith healing
Animal (including human) sacrifice
Segregation
Warm tingly feeling when facing our own mortality
The Crusades
Torture²
Willingness to sacrifice life for another person's agenda
HIV rates in Africa
Slavery³

Things science has brought us:
Communities that can grow past a few hundred people
Space telescopes
Space shuttle
Moon landing
Pictures from other planets
Understanding of seasons
Clean water
Clean air
Unspoiled food
Refrigerators
Movable type
Penicillin
Knowledge of bacteria
Antibacterials
Knowledge of viruses
Antivirals
Open-heart surgery
New metals
Houses⁴
Skyscrapers
Microchips
Computers
Laptop computers
Laser printers
Inkjet printers
Smartphones
Tablet computers
Calculators
Abacuses
Elevators
Escalators
Parachutes
Safety vests
Life preservers
Reflective tape
Televisions
Flat panel displays
Radio
Satellites
Satellite TV
GPS
ATMs
Batteries
Computer networks
Wireless networking
Eyeglasses
Contact lenses
Statin drugs
Pacemakers
Heart valve stints
Extended lifespans
Cameras
Digital cameras
Cure for smallpox
Cure for polio
Cure for whooping cough
Cure for scurvy
Survivable appendicitis
Genetic testing
Air conditioning
Central heating
HVAC
Toilets
Vaccuums
Ovens
Dishwashers
Coffee makers
Automobiles
RV's
Trucks
Trailers
Motorcycles
Engines
"Bulletproof" glass
Panes of clear glass
Bulletproof vests
Spun fibers
Cotton clothing
Rayon
Nylon
Polyester
Indoor lighting
Electricity
Tanning booths
Fluorescent lights
Aluminum
Aluminum foil
Steel
Iron
Bronze
Gold
Platinum
Diamonds
Microwave communication
Microwave ovens
Laser communication
Instant hot water
Sanitation
Running water
Hurricane tracking
Tornado warning systems
Airplanes
Helicopters
Printing press
Paper
Books
Keyboards
Pianos
Stringed instruments
Brass instruments
Electronic instruments
Sheet Music
Ships
Astrolabe
Outboard motors
Wheel
Scissors
Magnetic data storage
Optical data storage
Flash data storage
Transistors
Binary electronic systems
The internet
Web browsers
Email
Voice mail
Personal lubrication
Condoms
Birth control pills
Cut gemstones
Agriculture
Chemistry
Geology
Physics
Mathematics
Comic books
Doritos
Canned food
Aluminum cans
Carbonated beverages in every store⁵
Cardboard
Glue
Nails
Paint
Laser pointers
Blue jeans
Factories
This blog
Telephones
Computer languages
Ceramics
Biomonitors
Beds
IV fluids
Hematology
Instant messengers
Pots and pans
Chlorine
Megaphones
Loudspeakers
Speakers
Bass woofers
X-boxes
Playstations
Computer games
Amplifiers
Tomatoes⁶
Vitamins
Tape
Staples
Crystals
Uranium
Plutonium
Atomic Theory
Geiger counters
Fire alarms
Burglar alarms
Fast food
Leather
Aerogel
Liquid Skin
Burn therapies
Tang
Dehydrated Foods
Pens
Ball-point pens
Pencils
Roller coasters
Fiber optics
Toothpaste
Soap
Shampoo
Dental hygiene and care
Vulcanization
Volcanology
Coffee
Milk⁷
Foamed milk
Domesticated animals
Pop rocks
Survivable surgery
Stitches
Antacids
Aspirin
Ibuprofen
Industry
Cargo ships
Sailing
Personal watercraft
Concrete
Asphalt
Roads
Bridges
Shoes
Seismic monitors
Tsunami warning systems
Photography
Video cameras
Genetic tests
Chemotherapy
Sandblasting
Alcohol
Jet turbines
...and lots more!

Things Science is bringing us soon (but you can't quite buy yet):
Self-driving cars
Human-machine direct neural interfaces
Replacement retinas
Cures for severed spinal cords
Contact lenses with embedded electronics (Heads-up Displays, anyone?)
Augmented reality
Wearable computers woven into your clothing
Self-cleaning clothing fibers
Nanotechnology

1. War - Sure, there's also war over resources, but without religion's interference and "God-given" rights a diplomatic solution would have much more likely been found. The planet is not yet to the point of actual resource scarcity for the global community to create an "us or them" mentality, though it is approaching that point quickly. Most wars are begun and fought over ideology and/or religion, and an unwillingness to work together -- something science is good at.
2. Torture - It's been shown again and again not to work. This is contrary to the scientific method. I suppose a case can be made to argue that science has improved the methods of torture both psychologically and physically, but without the willingness to harm another in the name of ideology, torture wouldn't exist in the first place.
3. Slavery - Slavery wouldn't exist without an ideology that some people are better than others, or are a worker class.
4. Houses - Instead of Caves or whatever natural structures were carved by nature. The building materials or methods used for centuries weren't discovered without basic scientific method, whether they be stone block
5. Carbonated Beverages - Carbonated Water occurs naturally, but a method to create, bottle and mass-produce it? Yeah. Scientific Method applied, bitches.
6. Tomatoes - Originally thought to be poisoned. It took someone experimenting with eating them to realize that they were not.
7. Milk - Secretions from a cow's udder? Think you'd be drinking that if someone hadn't tried it first? BAM, Scientific Method!

Leveling Services.

Are you tired of being tired, but don't want to do all the hard work it takes to get in shape? Rather spend your leisure time slaying internet dragons and getting more purple pixels? Need more time to play between work and sleep? Household chores being a total TKer in your FPS?

Introducing new Body Leveling Services, from your friends at AlyredCo™! That's right, we've developed a way to transfer your consciousness into one of our FunDrones™ with your choice of current electronic gaming platforms while one of our advanced BodyShapers™ does the workouts for you! No more sweat in your eyes while you're trying to take on that dumb thirteen year old kid from Akron, Ohio in Back to Karkand! Slay Deathwing in complete simulated comfort while your personal BodyShaper™ does squat thrusts! Even questing and exploring Mists of Pandaria is a breeze while your hunger, thirst, sleep and other biological functions are handily taken care of by your BodyShaper™ while bringing your body's form to the very pinnacle of peak physical perfection*.

We have four pricing tiers to fit your budget!
Rodent: Entry tier. 8 month minimum contract. Free(restrictions* apply)!
Pawn: Middle tier, for the sedentary-getter, 6 month minimum contract ($59.99/mo).
Phantom: 4 month minimum contract. You will gain a particular set of..."skills" ($599.99/mo).
DeLorean: If you have to ask, you can't afford it.

In addition, you have the personal guarantee of AlyredCo™ that after your contracted time expires, your body may be returned to you in peak condition, healed and ready to go out and party! Attract that mate you've always wanted! Walk up more than a flight of stairs without breaking a sweat! Dangle from a harness while suspended over priceless artifacts, so as not to set off the floor sensors! Drill into bank vaults to claim the riches within! This physical prowess and more are yours for the taking!

AlyredCo™! Destroying the competition, one American Dream at a time!

Gaming software and gym memberships purchased separately. Results not typical. Criminal record may be applied. Body not likely intact before rodent contract expires due to use in some sort of Zapp Brannigan-style killbot-stopping scheme, or simply destroyed for AlyredCo™ Chief Executives' entertainment. Pawn contract involves indentured servitude for final two months as a minion of AlyredCo™. Phantom contract skills are only learned in muscle-memory, but include: jewel thievery, demolitions, escape artist, assassination, and sous chef. DeLorean plan does not involve time travel. All plans except Rodent require surgical alteration. BodyShapers™ are dog-brains controlled by a massive supercomputer; personal interaction with BodyShaper™-controlled bodies not recommended, nor fruitful as BodyShapers™ show have no emotions. 

Entitlements (Specifically, Mine).

The life of a supervillain is generally a rewarding one, allowing indulgences and whims to be fulfilled on a regular basis with very few limits or drawbacks. Ergo, the temptation to grasp at the ripe, low-hanging fruit of a peaceful, placid¹and neighborly society will always eventually reach critical mass; a tipping point that upsets the face of order by introducing it to the highly-energetic cream pie of chaos. Nature² abhors a vacuum, and someone's eventually going to be the stone thrown from within that grimy glass house of complacency, shattering it into shards of opportunity and power that will be greedily clutched by those who are the fastest to leave brotherhood, ethics and often sanity behind.

Unfortunately, the time is past that a dishonest, hard-working individual or cadre of supervillains could make vague, open threats against a government (or group of governments) and expect a serious response and the monetary funds requested to continue his (or her!) nefarious work. Far too much competition from petty criminals and corporations has watered down the severity of such ultimatums to make them something that can generally be ignored as "somebody else's problem."

That added to the showboats of terrorist activity in roughly the past decade (the orchestrators, not the imbeciles they got to carry out the attacks) and the conveniently expensive paid-to-the-military-contractors inevitable response, public opinion has turned more towards a "shoot first, possibly ask questions of the corpse but it isn't necessary" response. This does not bode well for actually collecting on the money demanded, even if said government or corporate entity takes you seriously enough to pay out.

So! I've created KickStopper®, a new platform for CrowdForcing®! How does it work? Well, unlike the original KickStarter that only gets money if the entire project gets funded, KickStopper® takes the money immediately and offers the rewards to whomever has paid their share, all while offering a layer of obfuscation between the ultimatum initiator and the common vermin. It's win-win for everyone³!

So now, instead of moving in a seemingly endless progression of conceptualization, lab experiments, explosions, lack of funding/foiled by arch nemesis, and ultimately starting over, this should allow any aspiring supervillain that I allow⁴ to use the platform a way to raise those desperately needed funds.

Tonight, I will present the very first⁵ KickStopper® ultimatum: mine⁶! Of course, this is only a screengrab; you'll have to go to the full site to actually pay your dues. I'm certain, however, after reading my complete case and the ultimate threat it represents, you'll be persuaded to turn out your pockets and give generously. And now, on with the show...

(click to aggrandize)

1. Boring.

2. As we all know, "Mother" Nature is one cold, heartless and unfeeling bitch.
3. Mostly me. But rewards are nearly instant for the common user, so... maybe 90-10 win-kinda win.
4. No others will be allowed.
5. ...and only.
6. It's a fascinating project, for certain.  Why only the northern hemisphere? Well, I need to keep someplace pristine so I can keep all my stuff there. I'm thinking Australia or Rio, though Rio seems somewhat of a party town, what with all the shanties and ghettos and rampant kidnapping and murder.

Minions Wanted...

Good¹ help is hard to find. When I was running ...The Organization, I would often have to replace minions due to the turnover expected in any multinational corporate entity -- Leaving for more lucrative work, promotion, standing in fire, freak lab accidents, being between ends of plasma induction coils when they are powered on... well, you get the idea². The problem is, the inevitable horrible-death-or-disfigurement-to-compensation ratio is so high that most of the "applicants" you get are imbeciles that don't know the business end of a Steyr AMR-36 assault rifle from a hole in the ground, brown-nosing yes-cretins that tell you your plan is genius even when you're giving them a test with an obviously terrible plan, or overly-ambitious ladder-climbers that will stab you in the back to usurp your hard-won power at the most inopportune moment³.

So once I rebuild ...The Organization, I plan on a new model of recruitment. Namely, one that provides me plenty of unambitious, dumber-than-average yet still somehow able to pass a Turing test minions that actually have some firearms training and are willing to work for peanuts; a model that, if done right, I will need only compete with southern evangelical mega-churches for a steady stream of loyally slavering underlings that will do my bidding with the flimsiest of rationalizations.

Yes, you vile little social barnacles. I'm talking about Tea Partiers⁴! No, I'm not going to reveal my entire 69⁵ step plan, I'll only give you a taste!

You see, when a Tea Partier sees a picture of your president with a hitler mustache or the words, "Obama is a socialist muslim fascist commie kitty-hater who wants to take away your Medicare and give it to undocumented immigrants!" on sign held by an older, white male or somewhat-hottish, plastic church mom⁶, the deep-rooted fear and racial prejudice machines that have been ingrained into his or her unused grey matter by countless hours of propaganda kick in together to create a potent, toxic slurry that douses their very morals. It shoots right down to their gut and nearly physically pulls them into the crowd, irresistibly drawing inward, and soon he or she has crossed the event horizon of sanity and is spouting the same nonsense like a parrot taught to curse⁷. The truth in their minds gains validity by the volume and quantity of those speaking it, regardless of actual facts or historical trends.

Bonus points if the crowd members are shouting something along the lines of, "Gunmint's gunna take away yer guns!⁸" or "Occupy Wall Street wants to take your money!"

So, after first setting up an ammo-selling⁹ booth nearby for liberating cash from those eager to be parted from it¹⁰, I plan on employing "Crowdforcing¹¹" techniques to move them to my own ends. Methods include:

• Saying my target is threatening their ability to bear arms, and that we should march on them NOW and kick them out of the country¹².
• Having them construct large towers with rotary cannon emplacements to make sure the "wrong type¹³" of people can't get into their gated communities.
• If I need to cross a deep chasm, use circular logic and/or religion to have them cast their bodies into it until I can comfortably stroll from one side to the other¹⁴.
• Telling them that "That's the way Reagan did/wanted it" for whatever cockamamie scheme I want them to carry out.
• Make their minds mushy and pliable by watching hours of Fox News or some reality show, like "So you think you can dance with the survivor idols." To rile them: Bill O'Reilly¹⁵.

There's lots more, but listing them has become blasé.

So, the next time you see a crowd of gun-toting, sign-wielding white imbeciles milling about, beware my ire and be sure to leave plenty of supplication in the collection box¹⁶.

It may just be the beginning of my re-ascension to power.

1. And by 'good', I mean 'evil'.

2. Also: suicide, suicide by betrayal, suicide by failure, suicide by displeasing their overlord in any way...
3. For instance: when you're gloating and/or monologuing over the hero/damsel you're about to utterly destroy.
4. Sadly, only the modern-day versions. I haven't yet perfected my reanimation ray, and my time machine is in the shop because it was overheating.
5. Stop your snickering. The number is merely a coincidence!
6. Closely related to the soccer mom.
7. And hate.
8. Note the clever 1:2 ratio of words containing "gun" to those without.
9. "Buy three shells for the price of 4, and get one free!"
10. Also: arming them for whatever nefarious scheme I have planned at their cost...
11. It's a new field of study on how to manipulate mobs into doing what you want. A combination of logical fallacies and mind-altering gas. As seen on Fox News!
12. Regardless of their country of citizenship.
13. People I don't like.
14. "You must have 'great faith' to take the step on the bridge." "Oops! Last one didn't have enough faith. Next! Now, you look like a devout fellow!"
15. Coincidental Homophone? There are no coincidences. Except for that number of steps in my plan thing from earlier. There is only one coincidence.
16. Alternatively, feel free to buy some ammo at the AlyredCo® Ammo-n-Alcohol© booth and join in the pawn party milling away nearby.